Well, it's been a rough couple of weeks with both my work and the W's all in disarray because of covid 19. I've been working from home for a couple of weeks. W started working from the house she lives in last week, but has mainly been going into the city for work. W says there aren't many people on the train, and not many people in the office, but the kids have stayed with me (for the most part) given W's contact with the wider world.
This means I've had the kids for about three weeks straight, which is good because I can spend time with them but hard because it's only since W left that I've really had to cook. I'm not too bad, but the kids aren't keen on a lot of things I can make well, or they have other issues. (S15 has mild autism and doesn't like the texture of pasta, whereas the rest of us love spaghetti etc.) S15 is also growing like crazy and taller than the rest of us now. His body needs fuel and he can demolish a loaf of bread by himself in about a day or a day and a half. Running to the shops is no longer a quick task, with social distancing and restrictions on the number of shoppers in the supermarket meaning lining up to get in and out. Cleaning the house is certainly easier when the kids are out of the way too.
Anyway, about a week before Easter I had to see W and ... I don't remember how this happened, but we ended up kissing, which lead to more kissing, and a bit of talking, and W saying "I knew this was going to happen", and we eventually ended up in bed. This happened for the next three days.
We've had several 'respites' or 'interludes' like this since W moved out. They don't last long, but every time I am sure I see love for me peeking out of W. There is that look in her eyes like the way she used to look at me. It is more than just me going misty-eyed because of the physical side of things. W softens towards me. She talks to me, tells me about work and her day and what is going on in her life. She always says something about the past, that shows the hurt she feels. She initiates hugs and hand-holding. She thanks me for things I do, and takes my side when the kids play up too much. She invited us all around to dinner (twice) and both times sat next to me. Usually she makes sure I am positioned away from her. She texted me a good night the first night it happened, and used my name.
W said to me "You should've let me heal when we had our babies." I replied, "Yes, yes I should have", as the most validating thing I could think to say. Really my mind was racing and I wanted to say "I didn't know you were hurting back then. I thought everything was fine and dandy", and also "What can I do now to help you heal?" I didn't say any of that to her, just "Yes, yes I should've." I also said that the workload looking after the house and kids singlehandedly showed me how much she had to do when I was at work all the time.
W reckoned it was her 'raging hormones' influencing her and that I should 'take advantage of them' while I could. "They will do a complete 180 soon and then I will be back to being a no-go zone."
I find this hard to swallow, as it seems to me to be the real her coming out when when she is warm and loving like this. But W says the real her is the cold one that wants nothing to do with me. I don't know what hormones she means either, whether her normal cycle or something else.
The hormones must've changed because earlier in the week she talked about us spending a day together for Easter. This ended up being an invitation to lunch on Sunday. She didn't greet me when we arrived. I leant forward to give her a kiss and she said "Let's not go there." I think she also said we had to talk about it, but the kids were already asking different questions from other parts of the house ("Muuuummm! Where's (whatever)?") She didn't bring it up again.
(So much goes on at these points in time, I wish I could record it and listen back to what my brain failed to take in. I'd never really do it though.)
The day was a half-and-half. I wasn't allowed to help make dinner, or stand in the kitchen area, or wash up afterwards, but W told me about her work and how busy she was. She still sat next to me for dinner. I was allowed to say grace, and we held fingers for that. After the dishes were done W and I sat on the couch together half watching the movie on TV ("Three Wishes", Patrick Swayze). My right arm was pressed against her left leg the whole time, and she didn't say anything or move away. W got me a cup of tea without asking, and even brought it to me.
After the movie finished we watched another show. I asked W if she wanted to do something together, like play cards. She said "Sure, if the kids want to." D13 said no. I was hoping S15 would also say no, as I'd just meant do something as the two of us, but D15 was happy to play (both of them dislike the house and find it boring as most of their things are at home). When we left I didn't get a goodbye, but 'Thanks', as if I was the plumber who'd just been to fix a leak or something. Discouraging.
All these recent events reinforce my view that W is a WAW not a WW.
I also need to detach, GAL, and get back to exercising.
