Happy Easter, friends! Thank you for your concern and well wishes. I have thought of you all often while I've been going about day to day life here, finally able to shift more into focusing on me, spending time in the garden, taking long walks, and doing more baking. I've had moments of real contentment, because this is where I want to be--at home with my kitties, in the yard helping beautiful things grow. It may be strange to say, but I am grateful to have been essentially temporarily laid off from my job, even if the financial aspect of that is worrisome. I like my life here at home. I missed it. H sometimes makes it harder to focus on the joy I can find in the middle of all this uncertainty, but I can still find it.
The cats are doing well, I found a 10 lb bag of flour (May!) at the store and was gifted a sourdough starter and a bouquet of chard from a friend, and H has been mostly friendly. His loooong phonecalls to friends pretty quickly went from all the time to intermittent.
After mentioning D to our landlord, he seemed to be even more at ease. One night I was trying to figure out what to use as a litter box for the recovering cat, who was no longer able to fit into the old one with his cone. H was happily cooking his dinner in the kitchen, totally unconcerned that the cat had resorted to peeing on the floor, and I was half talking to myself, half talking to him--What else could work as a litter box that I haven't considered? What else could I try?
He said, "I don't know, hon, I don't think there's anything we can do."
His normal exasperated response would be to use my name. He hasn't called me "hon" or anything of the sort in 10 months. He didn't even realize he'd done it. Then he brought me bites of his food to try as I was still dealing with the cat.
Another time he let me know he ordered a new nonstick pan because ours was starting to fall apart. When it came in the mail, he told me it was a different kind than before and that, "It was more expensive, but it should last forever."
I wanted to say--Oh, and that matters because when we get the D you're planning on we'll both still get to share the pan?
But he still has periods of moodiness and withdraws on the weekends to his room. He's been vaping weed more and more frequently throughout the week. It still bothers me that he sees nothing weird about this, that he thinks he's living the kind of life that will make him happy. I was reading through the thread on MLC CanBird posted and this stuck out to me: "I'd describe what I witnessed as being not a nervous breakdown but a breakdown in an established identity." For a while here I was thinking H was doing better, but I think it was just that I only saw him when he seemed somewhat normal, and he was still able to go out and do what he wanted with his friends, stay out late, etc. Now there's no denying he's just as lost as he seemed before Christmas. Sure, he seems happy a lot of the time, but then why all the drinking and vaping?
Believe, what you say here seems true:
Originally Posted by Believe6
He is avoidant so his pain will go on and on even possibly longer than it should because he can't address it. All they are trying to do to avoid the pain will be useless. Because the pain is internal, in their mind and their soul. So until they know this and are willing to look inside versus outside (i.e. OW, drugs, friends, etc), they will be tortured and lost.
Even though when I first started posting here, many vets mentioned drugs were pretty common, I never would have thought H would end up vaping! I told my friend today that it's no wonder I sometimes doubt myself and start to think I'm the crazy one: H sees nothing out of the ordinary about his behavior. I feel like I'm witnessing the breakdown of his established identity, while he's saying, "No, I've always been this person. You just didn't see it. There's nothing weird at all about my behavior."
And I sometimes start to believe him. Maybe this was always who he was at his core... It's like I'm being brainwashed some days!
It's like he's so convinced he's got everything figured out: D happening (at some undetermined future point...?), his awesome friends who he can't wait to get back to...
But it seems more likely to me he's still compartmentalizing all of his feelings and using pot to help him escape even further. I mean, it's not normal for an adult to suddenly think, hey, maybe I'll take up vaping!, is it? It stinks (literally!), but I haven't mentioned it or drawn any attention at all to the fact that it's out of character for him. I just open a couple of windows and try to stay in my own world, and pray that at some point he will look inside, as Believe says. I can imagine a point in the future when he starts to withdraw from his mom, as he's always been hyper focused on pleasing her as well, and can imagine her reaching out to me to ask what's going on with him. I can also imagine her not realizing how different he is now, because she lives states away and I am 99% sure he doesn't talk to her about what's going on in his life. Nothing has changed in that department, I'm sure.
One last thing: his birthday is coming up at the end of the month. I would not be surprised if he gets moodier or withdraws completely that weekend or decides to spend hours on the phone or maybe even go out and see a friend. But I do plan to ask when it approaches if he'd like me to bake a little cake, as he did make me a cake for my birthday a month after BD. I think it's likely he'll say no, because he'll be mad he can't be out partying like he'd like, and who knows what feelings a birthday will bring up in him. But I figure there's no harm in offering out of kindness.
I better go check on my laundry. Sending the best to all of you this week!
