I thought I'd put my last post from my previous thread here. It just seemed too weird to have nothing to say to start the thread!
OwnIt - I agree the exchange between H and I is a bit surreal. I am surprised myself that I can ask questions about OW and not really feel much about it.
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Happy Easter everyone!
Events here continue to unfold. Words have been shared.
H sent me a comprehensive outline of how he sees the marriage settlement agreement, and put a lot of thought into the last real sticking. It was actually well thought out, and reasonable. I had some comments back, which he accepted.
We talked on the phone for almost 30 minutes this week. It was supposed to be about the agreement, but we really didn’t talk much about it. Talked lots about his current sitch. Seems volatile. He still expressed desire for a friend to step forward and “give him some ideas, tell him what to do”. I told him that a few of our old friends are still there, and he had to just reach out and they would offer support, but that I believe he needed to make his own decisions. I said that I think he is waiting for it to get bad with OW that she will decide for him (i.e. throw him out), just like I had to make his decision for him to move out. He recognized that throughout our married life, he let me make most of the decisions, albeit that were mostly good ones. I asked him whether it was time for him to take control of his own life and make the decisions necessary to reach his goals. He listened.
He expressed again what he wanted was to move elsewhere with me and start over. I told him he had the events backwards. That we needed to see if we can ever repair and reconcile first over time, and only then make a decision whether we wanted to move out of the area. He admitted his desire to escape because of embarrassment and fear (of the gossip, I think), but I pointed out that he (we?) could start new even in this area. We both shared that neither wants to file for divorce now, and the agreement will be done to have in place in case we do. No assets will be split at this time, and he will continue to financially provide.
It was a good conversation, but I think fear still has too big of a hold on him to make any real decisions. He says therapy is going very well, and he is making good progress. I hope he doesn’t rush into thinking he is better and quits. Only time will tell.
Yesterday he sent me a message: “Miss you. JS” (JS for just saying, not his initials)
Today I sent him a short message wishing him a Happy Easter, and didn't know if he was celebrating but wanted him to know I was thinking of him. I said "To me, Easter = Hopes". He responded that he thinks about me all the time. And "Well put. Hope. I just need strength".
Something is happening, but I will let time tell me exactly what it is, and where it leads.
I have thought a lot about DnJ’s words:
Originally Posted by DnJ I too have thought about trust. I also have experienced declines in trust and the effort in re-establishing trust in work relationships. Respect also plays a part in this growth.
Regaining trust is possible. I think the problem is we get mixed up with trust vs innocence.
My XW betrayed me pretty brutally; like happened to lots of folks around here. I do believe I could find trust with her again. It would take work on both sides. Like at work - a consistent demonstrable behaviour leads to (re)building a trusting relationship. (I’m actually currently dealing with a subordinate on this very issue).
XW and I, would we ever have that innocence again? Hmmmm.
I see the naive trust we had pre-BD. It was more child-like; it hadn’t had any crazy huge rifts or problems to survive. If she ever turned back, and wanted to do the work, our new trust would be a different kind. One where it is chosen. Not so much innocent, more mature.
Maybe that trust would be stronger. It would take her to acknowledge her actions, have true remorse, and really change. Similar on my side to regain her trust in me. In that effort, respect would be gained as well.
I think that is the key to a new relationship. Not innocence, that is not a priority. Trust and respect, that is the priority. That’s the priority for our “next” relationship. Everyone gives that advice; don’t settle for someone who doesn’t respect you. We are worthy of trust and respect.
It’s just your “next” relationship might be with H. It’s a new relationship, and it’s going to be based on trust and respect.
A few key points I see. A person has to trust themselves, before they can trust another. Not a problem for you. H has work to do. He has been untrustworthy, needs to change his views, and trust that he has.
Trust vs. innocence is worthy of additional meditation. I don’t think I want that innocence. Seems immature. But I don’t want it to morph to vigilance either. That certainly is no way to life. I do believe that my next relationship could be with H. It’s a scary, daunting, thought, but also hopeful. I seem to let all the hurdles get in the way of focusing on the hope: Feeling like everyone will think me making the biggest mistake of my life getting back together, the need for H to repair his relationship with D and S, their willingness to forgive, doubting that trust can happen, and fear that the old patterns will return. But, I will continue to work hard to stay positive, present, and not worry about all the what ifs. That is in God’s hands.
To me. Worry is not trusting God, and trying to take control. Why should I take on that burden when it has already been taken by Jesus?
My path is still just that. Mine. I will continue to enjoy my kids, my friends, my backyard, and my work. I will fill my days with things that are productive, and give me joy.
This Easter Sunday, I am thinking about the sacrifice that Jesus made for us, and the hope he gave for all of us when he rose again.
