Doing my thing & keeping a smile

[wooba]

last thread

recap:

H: childhood trauma, alcoholic, depression, MLC? no OW that I know of.

Last September H told me that we should "take a step back" out of nowhere. Then moved out with only essentials and left 99% of his things here, and then brought up D. H initiated multiple D talks but has not followed through. Still comes home occasionally to pick up clothes. A reoccurring problem of our M was SSM.

It feels weird to type up that recap. Last September feels like such a long time ago. I still remember all the initial heartbreaks so vividly. It is strange how time works. With time.....I can see things more clearly, regulate my feelings more calmly, and manage my pain more reasonably.

A few things that I've found really helpful to center myself -

1. Marriage is not my entire life, it is only a part of it. I have many other things to live for than to stress over the state of my M.
2. Doing is nothing is EVERYTHING. Sometimes doing nothing is the BEST thing I can do for the situation.
3. I am worth saving. H is with the dark side. I do not need to go there with him. I follow my own rules that I want to live by. (ex: respect, compassion, love, patience)
4. Life moves forward. Be the strong and stable parent because there is no other choice.

will add if I think of more.

[wooba]

Rosy & may, thank you for your kind words.

I've told my best friends back in the U.S about my sitch, but even then I don't feel like updating constantly. I think no matter who it is in IRL, it is pretty much impossible for ppl to understand the situation unless they've been through something similar themselves. So yeah, I def do not want the pity party nor do I want people to start asking questions/giving me suggestions.

Meanwhile it is just easier to stay sane when I am the only who knows about it.

[Pommy99]

Wooba, I love the list of things that you use to help recentre yourself. I’ve discovered only recently , now that H has moved out and I’ve got space around me, that I am free to position myself where I choose. I like the concept of putting myself in the centre and having those pointers that you have identified.

You are being incredibly strong with what you have to deal with.

[wooba]

Thanks Pommy!

Update:

Few days ago H called and talked about weekend plans, he told me that he’s coming with us to visit my parents.....and then mentioned wanting to separate our bank accounts and close our joint credit card (SUPER WEIRD). Asked me to “think about it” like he always does- keep throwing me the ball and leaving it at my court. (Next time he will then ask: have you thought about the situation with our bank accounts and what to do?) which is rather annoying at this point. I think he’s running out of things to get a rise out of me, so bank accounts and credit cards are the next things on his list to try.

Then today he called and mentioned that he’s coming still but he has a “business dinner” with his colleague. I said sure, but please make sure to be safe and not carry back any virus with you (we don’t have shut downs yet where we are). He then said something suicidal. I said, well we might be okay if we get it, but I always worry about us bringing anything back to my parents. He said “of course I understand.”

And then he said, “I miss you.”

I wasn’t sure how to respond, but he quickly said something else to move the conversation forward. I guess it was one of those moments. Having a crisis, had too much to drink probably, and a window cracked open very briefly but then will be closed again.

I wanted to say, I miss the old you. Where the hell is him?

[wooba]

I'm exhausted. And yes....it is a feeling, and it will subside once I get some rest in. But at this moment of exhaustion, many other negative emotions start rearing their heads and together, they make me feel quite sh*tty. and that's why I'm here!!

The biggest one of them all is resentment. Where is the person who once said he'd stick with me through sickness and health, for better and worse? Fine, I will deal with a lost love. But there is not even co-parenting. The occasional showing up and bringing food is not co-parenting. Why do the kids have to lose their dad?

Once in awhile I have moments like this where I allow myself to feel the incoming of flowing emotions - anger, disappointment, and despair. This process helps me check myself. Am I as detached as I thought? How far have I healed? What negative feelings do I unintentionally shut out, but are actually still around inside of me?

Interesting enough, lately I have been coming across in my readings from different sources the topic of suffering. "Suffering opens up places of pain that had been hidden....gives people a more accurate sense of their own limitations....shatters the illusion of self-mastery." The key is to suffer with a purpose. Strive for detachment but accept one's flaws in achieving it.

I started my day with cautious optimism because lately I felt a slight shift in H's attitude. His voice is softer on the other end of the phone. but again, words are words. spoken softly or not. feelings are feelings. they wax and wane. ebb and flow.

Life carries on. Tomorrow will be a new day.

[wooba]

It's been mostly NC for almost a month now. H does not come home as often, does not call much either. It's kind of nice and kind of strange at the same time.

He came home to cook us Easter lunch. He got the kids some candies. He bought me a box of chocolates, the kind I like. We hid eggs together around the house for the kids. And then after lunch he said he gotta go, lunch hour is over and he's gotta get back to work. I wonder if that sounded more believable in his mind? Or that is just his standard excuse to leave in front of the kids?

The last few times when he showed up, it seemed like he made an effort to do things for the kids...but ultimately it's almost like he was in a time crunch and he just HAD to leave.

MLC/WASes are really on a different timeline aren't they? I really don't understand what H is going through. Maybe I never will.

I'm thankful that the kids had a great Easter. And I got yummy chocolates.

[cardinal]

Lunch hour is over? Oh geez. I'm glad the kids got to see him and have some Easter fun, even if on his limited timeline.

Let me back up and say that you sound very level-headed, wooba. Not sucked into what your H is going through but able to observe the ebb and flow from a distance. They're on their own timeline, wavelength, planet...

I wanted to say, I miss the old you. Where the hell is him?

I've felt this a lot with H being stuck at home. It's so much easier to see he is not himself. Yet he can't see it, or acts like he doesn't see it, which makes me feel crazy sometimes.

Happy Easter, wooba! I hope you're enjoying (or enjoyed ) the chocolates. At the very least, you deserve chocolates!

[Pommy99]

Oh Wooba this is such a strange situation, and must be so difficult for you. You are showing incredible patience and resilience. He definitely sounds like a very lost soul.

Can I ask how you respond to him when he contacts you? Are you friendly and accommodating, let him come and go as he pleases? Do you have boundaries around him showing up? I’m asking because I’m struggling to get a balance with my H. I’m trying to set boundaries and he’s constantly pushing to overstep them. Like I’ve asked him not to come round or keep contacting me and he’s doing the opposite. I’m standing firm but I feel like I’m deliberately being cold towards him, when I actually want him to feel that it’s safe to come to me, to come to our house. I’m ignoring his texts mostly unless they are about the kids. It just doesn’t feel natural though to be anything other friendly and responsive.

Do you think he’s trying to get a rise out of you (re the example of the bank accounts)? Or is he looking for reasons to make contact because he wants to reach out to you?

Keep strong Wooba, you are making progress even if you feel like you’re not moving forward as much as you think

[wooba]

Let me back up and say that you sound very level-headed, wooba. Not sucked into what your H is going through but able to observe the ebb and flow from a distance. They're on their own timeline, wavelength, planet...

Thank you cardinal, I try! I honestly think that I've been blessed so far that I do not have to be stuck in the same house as him (sorry about your situation), and he actually took himself out the equation by moving out.

Can I ask how you respond to him when he contacts you? Are you friendly and accommodating, let him come and go as he pleases? Do you have boundaries around him showing up? I’m asking because I’m struggling to get a balance with my H. I’m trying to set boundaries and he’s constantly pushing to overstep them. Like I’ve asked him not to come round or keep contacting me and he’s doing the opposite. I’m standing firm but I feel like I’m deliberately being cold towards him, when I actually want him to feel that it’s safe to come to me, to come to our house. I’m ignoring his texts mostly unless they are about the kids. It just doesn’t feel natural though to be anything other friendly and responsive.

For now, I haven't tried to push that issue of him coming and going as he pleases yet. Our last big confrontation was a month ago when he came home in the middle of the night and woke me to have a R talk. That night was the first time I really put the blame on him and told him " YOU LEFT US"...I don't know if it was that, but after that night he pretty much backed off and not showed up as much. I also used the opportunity of our lease ending to see if he wanted to move all his stuff away if my lease is not renewed and I need to find a new place, but he chose to keep things status quo.

For me, I don't feel the need to draw this line right now because 90% of the time our interactions are friendly and civilized. He doesn't notify me if he's coming during the week to pick up things, but he'll almost always asks me about our weekend plans and let me know in advance if he plans to stop by to have breakfast with the kids or something like that. If he's around, I also make an effort to not start playing house with him (sometimes it's super hard! like last time we were in the kitchen together, I almost wanted to hug him), I do have to be more guarded emotionally,

As for calling/texting, it's pretty much 99% logistics now. and he's the one doing the calling most of the time. I'm not acting cold or distant. I'm talking to him like I would talk to a not-so-good friend. cordial and not chatty. I will pick up his calls, return his calls normally, (not as immediate as before but again, the same pace as I'd respond to a regular friend) and with this I feel like I need to remain as respectful as the kind of person I'd like to be rather than play the game of being super distant.

Do you think he’s trying to get a rise out of you (re the example of the bank accounts)? Or is he looking for reasons to make contact because he wants to reach out to you?

Definitely. I think he gets into his funk sometimes and that makes him want to get a rise out of me. same reason he would come here and initiate D talks. I think he does find reasons to call me. maybe it is his way of "reaching out" emotionally, but I try not analyze his intentions.

Pommy, vets always say something like "do what's counter-intuitive but it usually the right thing to do." I agree to a certain degree. But I think the focus should be on your intention behind the actions. Don't be responsive and friendly because you want him back, or out of habit, or out of fear of pushing him away. I pick up calls and respond to my H nicely because he's the father of my children. I think he can also feel that I'm more reserved so he rarely goes off on a tangent to talk about something else.

One thing I am different from you is that I am not actively trying to make myself or my house a "safe place" for him to come to. I don't mind if he thinks that way, but I feel that it is no longer my duty. I'd like to think that I am a lighthouse in a way that my good energy and character naturally attracts some people into my life, and if H happens to be one of them, then so be it. But for me to be exclusively HIS lighthouse, there is so much he needs to do before I'd even begin to consider that.

Oops, this ended up being so long. I hope this helps....!

[wooba]

Don't Quit
by John Greenleaf Whittier

When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is strange with its twists and turns
As every one of us sometimes learns
And many a failure comes about
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow -
You may success with another blow.
Success is failure turned inside out -
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell just how close you are,
It may be near when it seems far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.


Not quitting to me is not quitting to continue working on myself. Not standing for M forever. Sometimes it is okay to quit when you know you've hit a dead end!