U—I agree, my consistency is changing the dynamic. Regardless of what that means ultimately, it feels good to not be so stuck in place. You’re right, this change has taken place a couple of times, but in the past I’ve gotten sucked back in to his nicey nice stuff. This time I’m doing my best to resist that. I won’t lie, it can be painful and I usually cry afterwards. But I’m strong in his presence.
Scout—-firstly I want to say that what you are describing with your son and OW makes my blood boil and I really empathize. That must feel terrible. I’m SUPER impressed with how you seem to be handling it, and accepting that it is out of your control (which in and of itself just seems impossibly wrong, yet still true). As far as I know there is not OW in my sitch right now, and if D4 was a part of anything like that I would most certainly know about it from her. But that inevitable aspect of divorce/coparenting in general is one of the worst parts to imagine for me. What you’re saying is a reminder for me to be grateful I’m not having to deal with that this far, and grateful for more time to try to come to terms with that very real possibility for the future.
I want to admit here that I think I had a minor setback in my current approach. On Friday H texted to ask what my plan for Easter was. (D4 was scheduled to spend yesterday and last night with him, and to be dropped off this morning [easter]). I replied “ I’m planning on an egg hunt at home and a basket from the Easter Bunny”. This is where I backslid and also asked “why do you ask?” (I SHOULD NOT HAVE DONE THAT!!! I should have answered his question and left it at that.) He replied: It crossed my mind to ask if you wanted to all do something together but didn’t know if it was a good idea or not. Just putting out feelers. The meadow near here would be fun to hunt eggs but I dont want to encroach on your plans.
I didn’t respond because I had all kinds of feelings about it and didn’t want to react too quickly. I shouldn’t have responded at all. The next day I said “I don’t want to change my plans. If you want to be here for what I already have planned you can”. And he replied that he’d “give it some thought”. AAAAAAXXXXKKKKKKGGGGCCHHHHH!!!! It was his suggestion to do something all together and now he has to give it some thought?! Nonsensical.
I’m Pretty sure he was testing the waters, I let him know they were still tepidly warm (as opposed to icy) and he recoiled.
I realized and regretted that slip right away and just said “ok just let me know before you drop off D4 tomorrow”. He of course decided not to stay. He dropped off D4 this morning. They had made a little Easter basket with candy for me. I just focused on her excitement about the egg hunt I’d set up and waved him off.
ANNOYING. But I recovered quickly and I’m back on that horse. I didn’t want to hide that from my mentors
