Tomorrow is our 3rd mediation session (this one via teleconference). Things are very tense right now in my situation. I woke up this morning feeling panicky and overwhelmed, which happens one or two times a week. I hope to address 2 critical items tomorrow, but based on how mediation has gone I worry about making meaningful progress. I fear we will accomplish nothing. To date, we have agreed to work on selling the house, which I guess is progress although given my W could not buy me out I don't understand why we needed 2 full mediation sessions to come to that agreement.
The alternative to mediation, if and when I decide it is not working, will be the more legal route. Given my W's history of accusations, I am absolutely petrified. I am prepared to defend myself for what I believe is right... I also absolutely do not want things to go that way. It seems really pointless and wasteful. It would get ugly and nasty and expensive for no good reason.
I decided to make a thought record, something my IC has encouraged me to do. It helps sort out the distorted thoughts from the rational ones.
It is completely normal for me to feel overwhelmed. I work full-time, I moved out of the marital home, I don't have a large network of friends and family for support. I've been living a temporary life for almost a full year now. I honestly don't know what my life will look like in 3 months, 6 months, a year. I am a flawed person just like everybody else. I'm doing the best I can. Add in the threatening dark clouds always hanging in the air that my STBXW will leverage my apology letters against me, and it's completely normal for me to be fearful at times.
Some people in our situation would simply agree to the reasonable terms I am looking for. I am not unreasonable. Just because I have not been the primary SAH parent doesn't mean I am unworthy of being a 50-50 single father. Sure, it will be challenging, and the life my children would have had with married parents will be different now. That is okay. Perhaps they will become more resilient, more self-reliant, more accepting and tolerant of change. Maybe not.
I don't have my life path fully laid out. Nobody really does. In the meantime, I can take little steps every day to enjoy life. Go for a walk. Clean out the garage. Connect with an old friend.
I've never felt more alone than the past year. This is HARD. It's okay for me to feel overwhelmed sometimes.
