Whats New Today?

[CanBird]

~j~ Hello friends. We're all well, all 3 of us. Social distancing at home has eased up a bit. The warmer weather probably makes the garage/man cave/headquarters too hot. That's my guess. My MIL sent a package last week, which we finally opened. Things for D3 & I. She's so thoughtful. One book I got was perfect; inspirational quotes. It's what I really needed. One quote was about letting go and allowing yourself to be angry. I've been very tired of being nice & swallowing my anger. But I know that just pushes us further away. Don't need that right now. I journaled. Let all my anger & hurt spill out. I cried a little too. I felt better. I was looking at 00 in a different light. It made me want to distance more.

Practicing my at home distancing & GAL. Today was good. I felt really good today. Alive! More confident. I put more effort into my apperance and GAL all day. 00 surpised me & cooked lunch, andcwe actially ate together. He even got me a drink. Here I thought he'd gotten 2 for himself! Later we actually hungout as a family, as he video chatted with family. And again, he got me, made me a drink. What the?? After the family chat we continued to hangout. I don't know why the 180 on his part. But ignoring him kindly, doing my own thing...treating him like a roommate works. I just want to be civil & hangout! Especially during this time. D3 is much more happy when we sit/hangout together.

Nothing else new. Just trying to be more positive about myself. Carry on like normsl I guess? The for now normal. A year from now. I can't even think aheaf by a day.

Focus, focus, focus...

[CanBird]

~j~ I journaled late last night & it didn't post. Oh well.

Keeping the focus me & D3. Keeping somewhat of a routine helps. And as much as I try to not care what 00 is up too, especially when he at headquarters (the garage) my curiousity gets the best of me.

Recently I've heard things... that make me think, things might not be so green in fantasy land. And how could they? 00 has been with his family in lockdown for almost a month. (actually he's been here a month now since his return). Any way...Two nights of heated discussions and another yesterday morning. 00 was drained yesterday morning. He spent a few long hours in headquarters. I was doing wash & had to go in, he looked defeated. There could be a number of reasons.....

When he did resurface, he coordinated getting us a food delivery. D3 & I had a lazy day, chores day, but we did a few things. Much later, when we were all inside, 00 comes out with a new face. Clean shaven. He's had facial hair for many months. Usually he cleans up before returning to work. D3 noticed. I pretended not to notice. In fact I avoided looking altogether. He tried making small talk, I nodded, but just kept doing my thing.

Much later, there were no late night calls at the regular time. I know I shouldn't care, but I need to know what's going on. Why? Good question. I can't ask him! Why do I want to know? I still care. I do realize it may be crazy to still care, but I do! I've been making myself feel good for me, dressing nice for me, and knowing something is up makes me feel great. It may be a false sense of security in a way, but I always carry a small shread of hope that things could go differently.

Am I crazy?

[kml]

Nope. Remember I told you it would be driving OW crazy, him being in lockdown with you.

Stick to the high road and let HER be the needy whining one. You’re looking good by comparison.

Now - that being said - don’t get your hopes up that they’re breaking up. Takes more time than this. If they break up they’ll get back together. Just let her keep showing her selfish side while you are Miss Sunny Independence.

[DnJ]

Hello Can

As kml said - nope you’re not crazy.

Stick to your path. Continue the high road. Cordial and indifferent. Let God have him. Focus on you.

There is nothing wrong with having hope. Just do not put a timeline on it; don’t want to turn hope into an expectation.

I do empathize and understand you caring about H. I still care about XW. Funny thing about caring is that sometimes letting them go and not caring, is actually the best and most caring thing you can do. MLCers have to make mistakes and find their way out of them. They need to grow up.

You really are progressing well. Compassionate indifference. You got this.

DnJ

[CanBird]

Nope. Remember I told you it would be driving OW crazy, him being in lockdown with you.

Stick to the high road and let HER be the needy whining one. You’re looking good by comparison.

Now - that being said - don’t get your hopes up that they’re breaking up. Takes more time than this. If they break up they’ll get back together. Just let her keep showing her selfish side while you are Miss Sunny Independence.

Thank you kml, I do remember what you told me, and I need to remember that. Sticking to the high road. Everything you said I totally agree with.

I need to carry on being the independant person I am. Regardless of what 00 does, I have no control over him. I don’t have any magic up my sleves. This is REAL LIFE. I can only control what I say & do.

When the time comes, which is soon, 00 will go back to work, which is essential (thank goodness). Because of this virus, I doubt travel bans will change any time soon. No fantasy trips for awhile, as she lives in another country, a part of the world thats not far from one of the worst areas hit by the virus. Who knows what will happen. I hope it all just falls apart. That's my fantasy. And of course, we R and live a better happier life. Fantasy.

Back to reality.

Have a good weekend.
Smile at something that makes smile.

[CanBird]

DIG DEEP

Came across a great thread on MLC.

[cardinal]

Thanks for sharing that thread, Can. I feel like every so often I go through a period of questioning what H is going through and thinking I'm losing my mind, and then I read something like this and it's uncanny: "A man in midlife crisis tries to get back to his youth. He tries to shrug off his identity because he's deeply unhappy with it. In effect, he runs away from the life - and family - he's built to date. Because his middle-aged identity makes him so unhappy, it unravels and chaos takes the place of the personality and character he developed in the first half of his life. I'd describe what I witnessed as being not a nervous breakdown but a breakdown in an established identity." I can't know what's going on inside my H, but I do know from the outside this is what it looks like.

Happy Easter, Can! I hope you are having a great day.

[CanBird]

Thanks for sharing that thread, Can. I feel like every so often I go through a period of questioning what H is going through and thinking I'm losing my mind, and then I read something like this and it's uncanny: "A man in midlife crisis tries to get back to his youth. He tries to shrug off his identity because he's deeply unhappy with it. In effect, he runs away from the life - and family - he's built to date. Because his middle-aged identity makes him so unhappy, it unravels and chaos takes the place of the personality and character he developed in the first half of his life. I'd describe what I witnessed as being not a nervous breakdown but a breakdown in an established identity." I can't know what's going on inside my H, but I do know from the outside this is what it looks like.

Happy Easter, Can! I hope you are having a great day.

Hi Cardinal, hope you had a Happy Easter as well. Great thread right! What you posted I experience too, especially the losing my mind part. (Especially now!) The breakdown of identity. Everything you posted...check , check, check.

[CanBird]

~j~ Any day now. I'm looking forward to 00 being gone. Us being in LD together has took a toll on us both. My blood was just boiling today. He was in one of his moods. I swear if I said the sky was blue, he'd say no. Just nitpicking and finding random things to question me about & roll his eyes at my responce. And then....he normal for a bit. He's so flippy floppy. It real is best to avoid him & his critical belittleing was. My biggest concern is D3 & her not picking up on our bad behaviors/attitudes. And of course, whenever she misbehaves, its my fault. I get questioned why she does certain things, and my reply usually is because she's 3! Why do YOU act the way you do? So mentally draining.

I was outside GAL, him & D3 joined me. It was nice to be normal. And then he made a comment about my ability to take care of things around the house & outside. "We're going to have to sell eventually. Just what a 3 yr old needs to hear & repeat.

Too tired now.

Zzzzzzzz

[CanBird]

~j~ 00: "This isn't going to work. I can't afford this house..I'd have no money left. I don't want to work like I have been, 6 months out of the year, for the rest of my life. You need to help out too. What are you doing? What are you going to do? Have you even given it thought? "

Oh. Now we're talking? Ow must be putting the presure on.

Well, of course I've given it some thought. I can't afford it here. We do have to sell. I think we'd be better off near family, his family. They are closer and lovely. It's going to be a lot of work. I'm scared at the thought of starting over but excited for D3 to have more & be close to family. My family is so far away & it's cold. I've never wanted to move back.

So here we are in virus land. Nobody is working. But I'm in contact with my boss to be, if that pans out. Apparently 00s company is struggling. I never know what to believe. I know I need to prepare to MOVE out & onward. I know this. I'll be okay. We'll be okay. Once this virus is over, hopefully MIL will return to help with D3. I'll work & purge, get ready to sell everything. We both moved here with nothing. It's just stuff.

Ps- no mention of D paperwork not being completed. Coming up on a month soon.

I'm looking forward to him being gone.