Quote you can tell her you need all her passwords to her accounts (email, SM, phone activity, etc.). Now, remember, she is the cheater, not you. If she starts talking about it being an invasion of privacy, I want you to realize she's really talking about invasion of secrecy.
This does make me uneasy. I don't want to police her but I understand why I should.
Then how is she going to be transparent? What is your plan? You tell me.
Am I correct in suspecting you of just wanting to say she'll need to be "transparent"......and then you leave it at that, expecting her to offer up what she wants you to know? That would be known as her plan of transparency, but it wouldn't be your plan. I can see how it would keep your nice-guy tendencies all comfy....but you are going to have to overcome it.
Don't look at it as though you are policing her life. She's not under house arrest. I see this transparency plan as a source of confirmation that she's being truthful, or a source to see that something doesn't match up. Transparency on this level is not a life-long plan. Do you get what I'm saying? Currently, she is not strong enough to overcome the affair addiction without a firm plan that calls for her accountability. Some nice-guy H's will tell me that if the WW wants to cheat, she'll find a way. True enough! The transparency plan doesn't prevent her from finding other ways of contacting OM....if she is so determined. If anyone thinks that's the purpose of transparency, they are missing the main point. Transparency is a method of accountability for the WW. It's her opportunity to atone for her betrayal. If she's not being genuine, it will be eventually be confirmed when the H is checking her phone activity (or whatever) and sees something that's not matching up.
I would think this method would be instrumental in offering some level of assurance to the betrayed H, as he begins to heal and can slowly taper off verifying that her speech, attitude, and actions match.
I don't want you to confuse transparency and accountability with the role of her support team. Okay? Think back on your wedding day. You both took a vow of fidelity. She has betrayed you by breaking her vow of fidelity. If she is serious about reconciling the MR, then she needs to be held accountable to the one she betrayed! I don't want her trying to skirt around accountability to you, by saying she'll be transparent to her counselor, friends, parents, support team, etc. She did not break a vow of fidelity with anyone but you. WW's are tricky, so that's why I'm trying to help you watch out for any slyness on her part. She doesn't have to love it. She just has to agree to do it.
Some H's have gone to great lengths to confirm his WW is being truthful or not, and if you need to add something else, I hope you'll bring it up to the board, first.
If I have said anything to confuse you, please let me know.
Quote
Trust but verify everything and make her work on us more than I work on us.
I was going to respond to your last statement, b/c it didn't sound right to me, but then I realized you probably said it hurriedly. If that's not the case, let me know.
Remain strong and hold the line.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
