Why in the world is she maintaining contact with ME if she is having parties with H and OW???
She doesn't have to choose. She may enjoy contact with both you and her son. If you tried to make her chose, she'd almost certainly choose her son. As stated by others blood is thicker than water.
Originally Posted by KitCat
Hopefully MIL will cool down texting.
Is this an example of disempowering yourself and empowering another? You control whether and how often you stay in contact with his MIL, based on whether that contact improves or worsens your life.
I paused some mutual friendships after BD. Up to you what works best for you.
My g/f is a divorcee and told her MIL she'd go to any family events her ex isn't invited to. Her ex is disinvited from 2-4 family events per year. Some blood runs thinner than others, lol.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I thought by letting them know I was thinking of them that was enough for them to know I felt no ill will.
Sounds reasonable.
Originally Posted by KitCat
MIL still wants to come to S18 graduation - though that has been cancelled due to C19, but asked about a party down the road for him.
Would your S18 enjoy that? (:
I had a shared celebration with my ex-wife when our kids graduated. My g/f would not stand in the way of her MIL throwing a party for her S, but would only attend if the ex wasn't there. Choices.
I get it. He felted trapped here. He was isolated. I became that reason for the feelings of being trapped and isolated and now those are no more... he if free and he is happy. With the extra free time with not working he is building stronger relationship with his parents.
If he were free and happy, you wouldn't get nasty texts/calls, and he wouldn't offer to repair things at your home. Those behaviors probably indicate feelings of anger and guilt, which he's directing towards you.
Once you drop the rope he'll have to sit with those negative feelings. Where will he direct his anger? Where will he direct his guilt? The longer you're zero-contact, the less he can blame them on you.
Doesn't he know you're willing to move? Assuming he believed you--talk is cheap and I think you said you accepted you goofed not planning to move with your son's graduation coming up when he'd sacrificed by commuting for years, although he goofed more mightily by not communicating and choosing to cheat, it's not a choice of long commute + you vs. short commute + ow. It's just a choice of you vs ow.
I get it. He felted trapped here. He was isolated. I became that reason for the feelings of being trapped and isolated and now those are no more... he if free and he is happy. With the extra free time with not working he is building stronger relationship with his parents.
If he were free and happy, you wouldn't get nasty texts/calls, and he wouldn't offer to repair things at your home. Those behaviors probably indicate feelings of anger and guilt, which he's directing towards you.
I'm getting angry texts/calls because things in regards to S/D and moving out his items are NOT happening on his timeline. I'm blocking access to things he wants. He pestered me for affidavit --- which I gave him in 36hr after he first asked.
Today I get texts trying to move my timeline for being available to have him move his stuff out...
Once his stuff is all out. He closes on his house Mon/Tues of next week then the angry texts/calls will stop. All communication on his end will stop.
Quote
Doesn't he know you're willing to move? Assuming he believed you--talk is cheap and I think you said you accepted you goofed not planning to move with your son's graduation coming up when he'd sacrificed by commuting for years, although he goofed more mightily by not communicating and choosing to cheat, it's not a choice of long commute + you vs. short commute + ow. It's just a choice of you vs ow.
2yr ago I agreed to move when S18 graduated.
I think H felt my actions were showing I would not ever leave this house. We sunk nearly 20K in back yard for tree removal and new fence... it was dumb... should have been about 6k less with a different fence.... UGH... The fence should have been something to get the job done within HOA guidelines but we were not staying. There was still some reseeding and grating to do of the back yard.
H never said... but hey we are moving...
He stewed quietly letting his frustration grow... more things to dump on friend who would validate support, become emotionally connected to then PA.
Before he moved out there was sort of an R talk at the kitchen table. Probably shouldn't have been R talk but it was. I reminded H that I would move to to his town. I owed him and if he had just said its him or house it would have been him. He had gotten up from the table and as he was walking away stated "it wouldn't be a 150k house". I said I know its time to downsize.
Like most R talks that popped up before he moved out... he either was not looking at me... or walking away from me when I was speaking...
I was hoping I was planting seeds to sprout... that I was worthy of reconsideration... but I think he was just internally rolling his eyes... feeling chased and being pushed further away from me.
I've never had one... so help me figure it out. Maybe its not temp check?
I need pic of motorcycle odometer so wanted to check with H to see if he could get one prior to coming tomorrow to get his stuff moved out.
Me: Can you send me a pic of the mileage on the bike? H: Can't take a picture at the moment but it is at 3850 Me: Ok
With almost no time to do anything with that information...
H:What did you come up with? Me: Thank you for the mileage. Haven't looked yet walking the dogs. Will discuss tomorrow. See you then.
^^^^ That is the most confidence I've had with text interacting with H. That was a strong response with me ending the conversation at its peak BUT also leaving it open looped.. did NOT answer him directly. Additionally I acknowledged he is coming tomorrow to move out stuff and I sound pretty upbeat!!!!
YEAH ME for the WIN!!! Maybe some people on here will critique this and say I should have left the dog comment out... maybe... but I wanted him to know I'm busy and my life doesn't revolve around getting information for him.
SOOOOO Ladies and Gentlemen... did I just get temp checked??
Hours later- H: did you purchase an iPhone? [okay, H knows I would NEVER buy an iPhone - I'm anti apple]
After 1 1/2hr- Me: ? No H: Got an odd text sure it was a scam
???? He knew it was a scam... but still used it as an excuse to see why I was too busy to discuss motorcycle value today???
Part of me didn't want to answer the text at all. If I buy a phone its my business. He already knows I no longer use our previous joint credit card.
The other part of me was like.... well he did answer the question about the mileage on the bike so I should also be polite.
I shouldn't be excited but I've never been temp checked so I may not recognize. Frankly with all H's anger I felt he didn't even see me as Plan X, Y, Z let alone B. I certainly will not settle for B... I'm an A!!!! I'm an over achiever to the max... I'm an A+!!!
Certainly would appreciate input. I'm pretty upbeat this evening considering I just pack 40% of husbands belongs into plastic totes tonight. I may open a bottle of wine and do some day drinking tomorrow to get through this.
I get a kick out of spouses when they get upset because they don’t get temp checked. Waiting for a temp check is the same as a dog begging for scraps at the table. You’re better then that.
Nothing has changed and nothing is likely to change for a really long time. I really hope you can understand.
I get a kick out of spouses when they get upset because they don’t get temp checked. Waiting for a temp check is the same as a dog begging for scraps at the table. You’re better then that.
Nothing has changed and nothing is likely to change for a really long time. I really hope you can understand.
I'm understanding that temp checks are really just nothing but to keep LBS on the hook. I guess there was some excitement on my end that he even wants there to be a hook at all - he is 100% sure this M cannot be saved and he has OW/GF.
I got called out by my male bff for having too many negative emotions so I was trying to prod forward and fake PMA until I get there. Perhaps I was looking for a positive in the situation and forcing to keep things upbeat given my stress/negative emotions on this board lately. Frankly, I still don't know ---- I don't know if I would recognize at this point... was it a temp check?
A temp check would be if he texted you and said something along the lines of "I miss you". Read OS2 situation he gets temp check daily.
I think sometimes good hearted people on this board will sometimes say some things like "he's confused" or "he doesn't know what he wants" to try to make you feel better. He's not RIGHT NOW but at some point he may surely wonder if he mad the right decision.
STEVE85 has posted that he has done some research and 90% of WW will want to recon at some point. It may be 2,5,10,20 years down the road. I don't agree with those numbers but I thought I would put it out there.
I think sometimes good hearted people on this board will sometimes say some things like "he's confused" or "he doesn't know what he wants" to try to make you feel better. He's not RIGHT NOW but at some point he may surely wonder if he mad the right decision.
You have to let him grow.
Thanks for the reminder of where H is at. I'm forever hopeful/optimistic and of course suffer like so many others that if I just say the right thing even though it gets glossed over at the moment I could be planting seeds of doubt that may sprout.
^^^^ I have stopped doing that.... thinking that anything I say has an impact. You are correct in that he is resolute in his decision or he wouldn't be moving all his stuff out. I hope I can continue to be strong today and act as if. I miss talking to him/sharing things with him. It will be hard not saying a word to him and only being responsive if he initiates.
I did practice a few phrases last night. What if he wants to have an R talk? He certainly didn't earlier this week but I needed to be prepared as I didn't want to get caught off guard... I have a better chance of winning the powerball than H having an R talk today, but no one likes getting caught with their pants down...
Congratulations on the weight loss! So, how much more do you want to lose? Continue working on the weight loss. You will find that you feel better and have more energy.
About today, I agree w/LH19. Listen and validate...only validate if it is warranted. If he starts in on you w/criticism, just say I'm sorry you feel that way and just walk away. Whatever you do, try not to get into any heated discussions. Today is about him coming there and getting his stuff. Discussions about anything else, i.e., divorce, legal paperwork, etc., should be directed to your lawyer. That is what you are paying the lawyer to handle...representing you and you only.
Good luck today and remember...you are the prize. You can do this. Stay strong and positive and know that no matter what happens, you are doing to be okay.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
