I understand about letting your spouse vent and be the safe place however there is a major issue that has been sticking between us for years.
I started a business while on maternity leave just over 3 years ago. I thought I would not be able to go back to my job. My husband didn’t think it was a good idea and said so in a couple of passing conversations. I decided to do it anyway, as I really thought I would not be able to go back to my old job. He eventually supported it and even worked with at first. He wasn’t super happy about it, but always told me he made his peace with it and did everything he could to support me with it. The hard part was that I did get to go back to my original job - so I had a business and a full time job and a young child. I’d always tell everyone how much of an amazing and supportive husband I had to be able to do all this.
About a year and a half in I realized it was way too much. I apologized profusely to my husband and said it was ok, he made his peace. I tried desperately hard to get the business to a profitable place so we could sell it worth out incurring a huge debt. Eventually it grew and was a very welcome part of our community. But still had a ton of stress with it, as I was over capacity leaving little time for me to be present with my husband.
My husband was always very angry about the business, he just chose told tell me what I wanted to hear because he wanted to avoid an argument. I was devastated that he hadn’t been honest with me as I was totally and completely burnt out by the time he broke up with me - making my ability to handle anything emotional at the time impossible, meaning I way overreacted to the break up making it worse. I was so incredibly burnt out before he broke it off. I am still recovering.
In the weeks after we broke up, I showed him my remorse, apologized completely and totally for the state of our marriage and what the business did to us (although it was a lot more than that – we got married when I was 8 months pregnant, he moved to Canada to be with me from the Netherlands, I started a business, worked full time to support us as he was not yet able to work until 2 years ago, we bought a house and renovated it all in the space of 4 years and we have a 4 year old).
Fast forward to now. The business is completely shut down because of the virus. It forced our hand and now it is shut permanently. That is a good thing. My husband is still so very angry about the business. He says he is not responsible for it and he should have said no and made it clear to me at the beginning. And I said yes, that would have been good. A few hours of me being angry versus 4 years. Instead of telling me he supported it.
What my ask is now – how do I get this to stop? The anger continues, and continues and continues. He directs at me every time we have a talk about where we are at with finances. Yes, we have about 30k in debt now because of the closure. And I am paying far more towards that than he is.
Is it reasonable for me to ask him to stop directing so much anger towards me? I am tired of it and I can’t apologize any more for my part in it. He says I am choosing to take offence to his anger and I am choosing to take it personally and I should just let him rage at me. Which I have done – but enough is enough. It is not productive. He is also responsible for where we are at. The business was built to help our family, not an individual pursuit of my own interest.
The law in BC does say we are 50/50 responsible for debt incurred during the marriage (there are some exceptions to the rules here). He disagrees with this, but that is the law. Credit card/finance companies can’t legally go after the other spouse who didn’t sign for it, but that’s different than what happens in a divorce.
Do I have to continue listening to the anger in order to be a safe place?
Me 41 H 34 Son 3.5 Married almost 4 years West Coast of Canada
