cardinal - that probably hurt the most when my H said he didn't feel valued (he's been open about feeling that way the entire time, and that was why he left) because I always valued him inside. When I reflected hard on how I was treating him, I realized there were many ways that I was slowly tearing him down that I genuinely did not realize, and that he became to scared to even bring up. I was depressed and not handling it well, and treating myself poorly, and therefore treating him poorly. Some of the things I identified on my own and brought up in MC, H was surprised at the self reflection I had. Me trying to be more compassionate has helped me understand how my words or actions may affect people in ways that I don't see or think about. The self-reflection part on how I was acting was really difficult, and I was vocal about how I understood I was treating him that way, but my treatment wasn't lining up with how I felt inside because I did love/respect/value him. I assumed he knew I felt positively about him, so wasn't taking the time to give positive feedback, only negative. (this is something I struggled with initially as a manager, but overcame as a manager years ago and was mad that I didn't apply this to my marriage!) H has noticed and mentioned this change, for sure. It's one I have felt confident with since I knew I had major success incorporating that into my management style years ago. I was also just not fun to be around for a while, and didn't even want to be myself. I was being a nitpicky, nagging mess, who just wanted to be heard and not take time to hear his side. H and I have always been physically incredibly connected, but I was so stressed out or upset that we stopped ML for weeks at a time, and that greatly affected us both. I basically feel like I have emotionally let myself out of the prison I was holding myself in, took accountability for my actions, and enjoy life again - and did that for me, not to manipulate him back, and he said he can truly tell that. I feel good about things b/c I can see he is more emotionally equipped to talk to me about stuff if he is unhappy with something, and has a better understanding of what treatment is and is not OK with him, and how to effectively vocalize that. We are both working towards making an emotionally safe environment for each other - that's how we connected and fell in love in the first place. (for the most part - I held back when dating b/c I honestly thought he would be bad in bed, and he proved me so, so incredibly wrong - lulz)
This - I feel this is my H too. He was trying to reach out to me... I was lost in my own head and dealing with my own self esteem issues. He even voiced his needs were not being met but did so as he was walking in from work and I was heading out the door. He could have had better timing... a time when we both could have been awake and focused on each other. In his pain he relied on a female friend and that lead to a PA that he is still in.
I appreciate your thread. I've read it all. You handled everything well - not perfectly but then who does right? Your H managed to work through his issues and I'm glad you have reconciled.
Please don't stop DB... I was here 2yr ago when my H was just unhappy and no A... I turned him around with the new wonderful me - which was just the old me coming back. Weight gain just sunk my ship and I got stuck in my own head. Felt my H deserved someone who was smoking hot so I turned away from his physical affection not ever realizing that it was leaving him feeling rejected... once I found that out it broke my world but I found it out too late.
So don't stop... keep reading... come back to visit to stay on the path to keep your M healthy. I wish the you the best!!! And a wonderful future.
