Just wanted to make sure my post didn't come off as pushing you to do anything. I hope you didn't take it that way - and I realize I injected some of my situation into what I wrote. I think we all do that because we a have different experiences. At any rate - I apologize if I offended you - that wasn't my intent at all
Originally Posted by unchien
IW ~ Here's a simple version. We moved, away from my W's family. She became distant and depressed, I became frustrated at our lack of connection. There was tension. At some point she fell out of love with me, she has even told me the date. One month later I grab my son's leg in the car to stop him from hitting his sister, and she calls it abuse. A few months later she calls me financially controlling.
This is all textbook WAS behavior. I never really wrote about the majority of my experiences because they happened before I joined this forum. But I had the same kinds of things happen in my sit. I had a car incident where my W freaked out when I missed an exit, and another one where we were simply going to get groceries where my W and I were arguing and then she freaked out saying she was trapped and didn't feel safe. There are more examples but i think you get the idea. I let my anxiety build over these things and I let them control me for the first 6 months.
That was her reality - however skewed it was. It was a highly emotional time and W was thinking emotionally, not rationally. That doesn't make it reality, though - and all of us - i, you, we all choose how much significance this makes in the rest of our life.
Originally Posted by Unchien
I don't care if she ever has the jolt of recognition about how she is justifying her actions to herself. I doubt that she will honestly. Worrying about that is a waste of my energy and time. I need to focus on how to rebuild my life, and stand up for my rights as a father. I don't want it to be this way, but I have no options (other than continuing to accept things the way they are).
I should have clarified - I meant the "jolt" as in a glimpse of what D'd life would be like. A breaking of the fantasy - the hard cold facts of doing everything alone with no support. My W still hasn't had that awakening of the justifications.
Originally Posted by unchien
The whitewashing, gaslighting, wild narratives -- she can have those. She can project onto me everything she thinks about my inner character - (her words) controlling, disrespectful, untrustworthy, abusive, delusional. It probably does help her feel justified and righteous and that is great for her.
It is awful and I don't like the direction things are going. I know I have control over myself, but I also feel I have no choice. I know you went through this as a kid and it was awful for you. It's also completely reasonable for me to want equal time with my kids.
I see your anxiety and anger, U - and that's perfectly normal. I won't push you on this - it's good to get that stuff out. I do however gently remind you that in life, there are always other options.
