I do agree with Job about leaving a positive impression, the point I'm trying to make is the difference between doing things like that to leave a positive impression on him and doing them as tricks to try and lure him back is all about expectations. If you can do those things with no expectations that it'll change anything, and with the understanding that you are just doing it for yourself and to leave him with a lasting impression that may have an effect on him down the road, then that is the right motivation. Just don't do them with expectations- like watching him closely to see if he notices or says anything or acts different. Because that's the path to disappointment and is also pressure on him at a time he wants no pressure. I hope my earlier comments weren't too confusing on this.
That's been my goal all along - positive emotions.
Things over text and calls and filing and changing locks. Lots of negative emotions. Anger... Arguments. Its been exhausting and itsn't do a single thing to change his perception of me.
When he came and got the bike, at least for me seemed neutral to positive for the day. I cannot speak for him but the fact that he did the stuff with mower speaks at least it wasn't negative... or else he would have just left.
It was disappointing that he hounded with me texts over the affidavit once he got back to his town. But, it just speaks where he is at in all this... he is moving forward and wants desperately to cut all ties with me.
So letting him drive my car rather then me driving - positive impression for him. Keeping things light and having discussion - positive impression. No hovering - positive impression. Leaving him be in the garage - positive impression. ME - ASKING FOR A RIDE --- negative impression because it reinforces I'm not letting him go.
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I'm okay ALOT of moments... but then I suddenly have this stupid thought "he isn't taking any of the furniture... that's because she is moving in with him... they will have her furniture in his new house"
My ex was VERY quick to get a house. Rented first and then soon after bought one. I remember thinking she was doing it to set up house with OM (it's a pretty big house). It did get to me but eventually I just didn't care anymore. I knew who OM was and he was a nice guy, always friendly towards the kids (has none of his own) so as long as they were safe it just really didn't matter and honestly wasn't my business. Well guess what, here we are 8 years later, two kids grown and moved out, that OM now relegated to "distant friend" status and no new OM since. Mostly just XW alone in her huge house with S there every other week.
Thanks for some perspective on this. I know he just wants his own space... a place to garden as our home was too wooded to get enough sunlight. We had the community garden which he did a few years but working 12hrs and driving 2hr left little energy to drive 6min to go garden. He wants his 2hr back a day to find more enjoyment. I do understand that. I had agreed to move once S18 graduated high school. Looking at my actions H felt I wasn't going to leave the home. Frankly, if he just said "we moving or I can't continue" I would have moved. He commuted for 10yrs. I owed him. It was my turn to sacrifice... instead he just bailed.
In one of the phone calls last Sunday he was ranting about the financial protective order. I was trying to get him to come up with a solution together to deal with things as they are. He griped that he shouldn't have to find a solution to something I've done. I just said I can't go back in time and change something. If I could I would be changing a lot more than that.
Anyway, once he has the rest of his stuff on Sunday there will be no reason to contact. I will probably get that 90 day cool off period that I've been wanting. I'm still dealing with the emotion of panic/sadness when he doesn't contact and the emotion of panic/stress when he does contact. Still is so hard to think that I repulse him... but maybe is I keep saying it outloud I will accept it.
I appreciate every word - harsh or not. I have to get through this. I love him with all my heart but he does not define me.
