Affair Fog-LRT 3

[sandi2]

Here I go again. But first, I wanted to ask how your grandmother is doing. This self-quarantine business has been hard on so many people. I feel so sorry for families who can't work from home and don't know how they will survive b/c their jobs have shut down.....or they have no place to stay. When we look at the people around the world who are suffering more than us......it helps put things in perspective. My grandmother use to say, "I was sad I didn't have any shoes, until I saw a man who didn't have any feet."


So, getting back to a previous post I wanted to address.

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Trying to give up OM.......? What does that mean? She used to text him XXXX times per day, but has cut back to XXX? That's not good enough. She has to go cold turkey. She can't taper off an addiction.

I realize that. And that is why when she came over to take the dog for a walk and asked if I wanted her to work over at my house to help with our D, I said no, you know where I stand on that. She knows I will not accept contact with the OM.

Okay, but you had just asked in a previous post at what point can she come over for a few hours "as a family". You can't have it both ways. She doesn't get to come over and play happy family for an hour or two......as long as she's still contacting OM. You seem to go back & forth on this.

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I just validated and said I can appreciate the fact that it is.

You men and your NGS! This is not the time to get soft. In her wayward mindset, that's how she'll see it.

What should I have said?

Okay, let's talk about validating a wayward W. As Wonka points out in her thread on validation, it is a "learned skill". To be very honest, I get frustrated with some LBH's who want to validate everything the WW says......but they don't want to stand up to her, or call her out when she's disrespecting him. I'm not saying you haven't stood up to your WW, I'm speaking in general terms. Naturally, most LBH's of WW's want to validate........b/c the majority of them have NGS, and it's the nice-guy thing to do! At least, that's how I believe he appears to his WW. (It's another one of the differences in how to approach a WAW and how to address the WW. In most cases I've read, the LBH of a WAW is usually not the nice-guy type we see in WW cases.)

It's hard to get most of the H's here to actually say how they validated. They say, "I just validated her". When it comes to WW's, I think the safest route in validating, is to make eye contact, and (at best) nod your head to indicate you are listening......not that you are agreeing, if that makes sense. Wonka has given many good examples to use, but obviously, people read it through different eyes.

I suppose most everyone wants to be heard and have their feelings validated. The problem lies in the WW's mindset toward her LBH. She doesn't respect him as her H, and she's not sexually attracted to him. In many cases, she feels they are like blood relatives......or roommates. She doesn't want to hurt him, but she finds the OM more exciting. You get my point.

Due to the wayward mindset she has developed, the LBH has to be very careful about the words he chooses to validate his WW. Like I remind you, she has to see him from a point of respect. So, if you sound as if you are being emphatic with her wayward feelings, conduct, or mindset.........she's going to zap you into the friend zone so fast it will make your head spin. That means she isn't interested in being intimate with you. Validation doesn't mean you agree with her........but let me give an example. Let's say she is having a pity party over how hard it is to give up OM, and you say you can appreciate how hard it is. It's not so much your response, as it is about how she receives it.

I think it was OS2's thread where this subject came up and his WW was amazed how "understanding he was" as she told him about her strong desire for another man. He was rather proud of how calmly he conducted himself, b/c he was focused on validating her. And, this focus on validating a WW seems to be where many H's stumble. OS2 didn't seem to understand that's why she tells him that they make better friends than spouses......and she's not interested in being intimate with him. In the meantime, she playing the distant & pursuit game with him, while keeps contact with OM. It's b/c she received his validation as if he was her BFF......which is not a typical response from a husband who is hearing his W talk about her strong desire for another guy. Am I making sense? As I told him, she was expecting him to react like a husband, not some friend. I'm just trying to prevent you from making the same mistake.

I'm sure there are some who don't agree with me, and would say I don't understand validation. I think it's the nice-guy LBH's who don't understand how and when they should/shouldn't validate a WW. Wonka talks about this in the validation thread.

I hope you won't feel like I'm knocking you down every time you stand up. I think you've done better than most newcomer LBH's with a WW after only a couple of months. This is a critical point in your M, and I am pulling for you two to make it. ((hugs))