I am having a couple of terrible days. I will explain. The situation being alone at home is not the best, I spend a lot of time thinking about our good memories and I end up feeling like I cannot go on one more single day. Is like you have all the tools and know what to do but then you start missing her as intensively as day 1 and you feel like you need to go and review all those tools, rules and tips you have.
I have been crying around for the last 2-3 days and the worse I feel the stronger I feel the need to read through the material I have on DR and your tips. I remember reading here somewhere leaving the M and help books behind was a potential 180. Well I am not ready for that 180 at all.
Today I was planning to spend some time but I just could get myself focused. I have all these strong vivid memories of the early stages of our R, before kids, bills, work and it feels me with both a deep feel of love for her and pain for the fear that it is gone forever. Yesterday I went to pick up the kids, I was cheerful, listening, I looked into her eyes and did not say a word. This IS a little victory, and for those here who have followed my thread they will understand.
As Sandi once told me, it is probable I have not fully let go of her. I do not know why it is so hard. I do not want to talk her into anything, when our M went down I was in a polluted cloud and I feel like we did not get a chance to talk past, present and future properly as a couple going through cr***y times. I guess that is not happening now and might not ever happen.
Exercise is starting to pay back, I feel and look better but I chose to shave my hair due to covid quarantine and I look like a young military recruit! Like I said on a previous post, you see people who are dying without the chance to say goodbye to their loved ones and it just lights up this impulse to reach out to my W. the feeling of loneliness is dreadful in the sense that alone you are miserable and your family only pushes you to move on because, you know, its been 8 months and what the heck are you doing with your life.
The other day I did some clean up in the house to keep my mind distracted but nights are terrible. Sometimes I feel pitty for myself in the sense that I have been single and happy, independent, attractive, a man focused on his clear goals, but under the pressure of a failed marriage and a broken family that seems a selfish and irresponsible place to be. Do you understand what I mean? Whats wring with me?
That you all! stay safe and healthy! Packs
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Me 29 W:29 M: 5yrs T:10yrs S:6 yrs S:1 yr BD: "I want a D" 08/09/19 Sep: 10/27/19
Like I said on a previous post, you see people who are dying without the chance to say goodbye to their loved ones and it just lights up this impulse to reach out to my W. the feeling of loneliness is dreadful in the sense that alone you are miserable and your family only pushes you to move on because, you know, its been 8 months and what the heck are you doing with your life. 