I believe newcomer LBH's have trouble balancing all this information they read, and knowing when to apply certain things....and when they shouldn't. For instance, she was talking to you about her strong feelings for OM........and you validated her. What you said to her is what a BFF would say to her.......but, not a husband. This is why she says you work as good friends, b/c she can discuss her feelings for another man with you. I'm not saying she should lie. I'm just saying she'll keep you in the friend zone, as long you sit and listen to her discuss her feelings for another man. IMHO, it does not make the H look attractive or strong, and why would she respect him? At this point, I suggest you don't listen to her talk about how she feels for OM. The only thing you need to hear is that she is ready to do whatever it takes to save this M.
Please listen to Sandi! I'm a huge proponent of validating but it is possibly the most misunderstood, misused and even abused DB technique. People say things they think are validation that really aren't (yes I agree with you, yes I was wrong, yes it's all my fault) or use it at wholly inappropriate times (oh things aren't going well with OM, that must be very difficult for you). Personally I do not think it's EVER appropriate to have casual conversations with a cheating spouse. I think conversations should be avoided, but if necessary they should be short and to the point and all business. "I will pick up D at 3:00 pm, does that work for you?" "I paid XYZ bill, can you please transfer more money into the bill account." If the spouse gets chatty then don't be rude, but don't engage. "I need to run, talk to you later." We always say "you can't nice them back" but I think people engage in these friendzone convos with their cheating spouse hoping to do exactly that.
Sandi often talks about the lack of respect a WW has for her H. Letting her chat you up about OM and you responding by being accommodating and understanding and validating about it, that just encourages the disrespect. Your attitude should be "if she wants to talk about OM then the conversation is over, period."
