I'm exhausted. And yes....it is a feeling, and it will subside once I get some rest in. But at this moment of exhaustion, many other negative emotions start rearing their heads and together, they make me feel quite sh*tty. and that's why I'm here!!
The biggest one of them all is resentment. Where is the person who once said he'd stick with me through sickness and health, for better and worse? Fine, I will deal with a lost love. But there is not even co-parenting. The occasional showing up and bringing food is not co-parenting. Why do the kids have to lose their dad?
Once in awhile I have moments like this where I allow myself to feel the incoming of flowing emotions - anger, disappointment, and despair. This process helps me check myself. Am I as detached as I thought? How far have I healed? What negative feelings do I unintentionally shut out, but are actually still around inside of me?
Interesting enough, lately I have been coming across in my readings from different sources the topic of suffering. "Suffering opens up places of pain that had been hidden....gives people a more accurate sense of their own limitations....shatters the illusion of self-mastery." The key is to suffer with a purpose. Strive for detachment but accept one's flaws in achieving it.
I started my day with cautious optimism because lately I felt a slight shift in H's attitude. His voice is softer on the other end of the phone. but again, words are words. spoken softly or not. feelings are feelings. they wax and wane. ebb and flow.
