Finding patience and facing fear

[DnJ]

Good Morning Kind

Sounds like H had a couple of days of clarity and zoomed back into the rabbit hole. They really can’t, at the moment, face their pain or what they’ve done or are doing. These small moments of clarity are them peaking out, I do believe, are good signs - but don’t focus on them - of progress along the MLC path. As more and more peaks out of the tunnel happen, more and more clarity accumulates for them. The path back to emotional stability is not a jump, it is the summation of many small movements over time. Most definitely a marathon.

I think you are correct, the current situation is making H more antsy to leave. However, dedicated? That remains to be seen. The majority of crisis people talk big, act like they have everything figured out, and seem on top of the world. Yet they move actually rather slowly towards leaving in the absence of pressure.

My XW seems to be an anomaly, blowing up, destroying everything, and moving out all in three hours. As I said, pressure, we don’t know the pressure they are experiencing. They have a lot of internal pressure which they attempt to project upon the LBS. Your H has his perception, his reality. Continue to keep your interactions reasonably pressure free and focused on you.

For example, have you set up the patio furniture? If so, good for you. If not, set it up, this weekend, today. You need not explain anything to H. Just do it. And if or when he wants to poke or pick a fight do not engage. Just look at him and say “What bugging you? I’m just setting up the patio furniture so I can sit outside.” Don’t even stop setting it up. Then enjoy the sun and the beautiful day.

He told me today that his L commented on how many calls they have been getting for D of people not getting along! And how busy they will be once the courts open again. My response was “ ya that’s so sad that there are probably so many people in a situation where it really doesn’t need to come to that but such is life”...he didn’t clue in at all to what I was getting at. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that I dunno.

I like what you said. It responded to his comment, putting forward a nice spin on the idea of just how easy it is to get a divorce, and that people don’t need to jump to that as soon as something gets rough.

However little acknowledgement and validation of what he is feeling and saying. Not a big deal. You answered fine, not leading to any fighting. But....

You are right, H didn’t clue into what you were trying to tell him. Did you clue into what he was trying to tell you? Was there a why he was telling you something?

The skill of active listening takes time to develop. The listening to the entire statement before crafting a response. Most of us listen to respond, we need to listen to understand. Then respond.

MLCer’s do drop clues. H is speaking with his lawyer, he told you. He also knows there is not much going to happen until the courts open again. He has a feeling/belief that people aren’t getting along, so it seems normal to him.

This was just him talking at that moment due to whatever he was feeling at that time. Feelings change. Later he would say something different.

Acknowledge and validate first, then depending on how things are going, you could put forward a response. But in all honesty, H isn’t ready to hear it, and no where close to being ready to listen to it. Remember you’re not speaking with a rational person. The vast bulk of the work falls to you, the sane person, the lighthouse, the beacon - I know, unfair. Sorry.

Just passing along a bit of counterintuitive steps for the LBS’s path and growth.

By the way, acknowledging and validating without attempting to modify or change the person is very detaching and promotes compassionate indifference.

If they feel guilty why can’t they stop the run away train they are driving?

A person haunted by guilt doesn’t think clearly. Guilt is a strong powerful emotional force, you don’t face it with your feelings, you face it with rational thought and influence - like you do fear. MLCer’s are not rational people.

MLCer’s emotions are running flat out. They have guilt, fear, pain, elation, despair, joy, sorrow, anxiety, depression, excitement, defeat, and on and on. So much pressing, so much pressure, so much confusion.

A person running on emotions is running from something. And usually trying to bury it by running to something - sex, drinking, spending, whatever. They are not sitting silently letting answers reveal themselves. Their train is roaring along. It takes time to slow down a train.

I am glad you are getting to the garden. It is still too early for much yard work here; need a few few more weeks to get to better weather.

Have a great day. Hope you’re sitting out on the patio getting some sun.

DnJ