She has played OM down constantly since I found out and has repeatedly said how OM doesn't really mean much to her. I told her recently what usually happens in affairs and she then revealed she has had strong feelings for OM. She was quite amazed at how understanding I was of what she said I think. I didn't flinch and suspected it all anyway so just validated. I said I understood it was difficult having these feelings and that it was a product of the A.
I was concerned about this part (in bold) in the previous post. I think she was quite amazed at how understanding you were, b/c a W naturally thinks her H will react to her expressing feelings for another man.
I believe newcomer LBH's have trouble balancing all this information they read, and knowing when to apply certain things....and when they shouldn't. For instance, she was talking to you about her strong feelings for OM........and you validated her. What you said to her is what a BFF would say to her.......but, not a husband. This is why she says you work as good friends, b/c she can discuss her feelings for another man with you. I'm not saying she should lie. I'm just saying she'll keep you in the friend zone, as long you sit and listen to her discuss her feelings for another man. IMHO, it does not make the H look attractive or strong, and why would she respect him? At this point, I suggest you don't listen to her talk about how she feels for OM. The only thing you need to hear is that she is ready to do whatever it takes to save this M.
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After another few days of NC W said she was ready to act and came over last night to sort things out. I was expecting her to write a letter to OM and break it off last night. She said she wants me back but is having a hard time with her feelings. She said she can leave OM but feels bad for leaving him. She said relationship with OM is reduced to messaging now.
She is more concerned about hurting the OM, than hurting her own H. I'm just sorry you didn't call her hand on it, and tell her you don't have anything else to discuss. In my previous post, I think I mentioned that an affair cannot taper off, b/c it has to die a sudden death. As long as they are messaging, it's giving oxygen to the A.
She is playing games with you. She knows you are waiting for her to make up her mind and choose which man she wants. Take yourself out of the contest. You have to let go of your fear of losing her. When you stop being afraid of losing her and/or getting a D, and stop having all these discussions about the MR.......and her relationship with OM, she might get off her rear. But right now, she's still in an A, and I don't think she'll give up her A for a H she has friend zoned.
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Aside from her intentions, booking IC and reading no action yet. It is what she wants but she keeps putting off the inevitable pain that will follow.
It isn't what she wants! This is an example of her playing games. She's got two guys who want her. One guy is her BFF, and the other guy is her lover. She doesn't want to give up either one.
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It's tempting to recommend some of the many books I have read (like Women's Infidelity) - good idea?
At this point, I think you may be trying to help her too much. Removing yourself from the picture, IMHO, will be more effective that giving her books. Yes, that book was instrumental in opening my eyes a little wider........but my H didn't give it to me, nor did he recommend other books for me to read. If I remember correctly (and there's a possibility I don't), the dominoes had already started falling around me by the time I read that book. Timing plays a large part in all of this.
Am I telling you to file for a D? No, but I'm telling you to drop her and move forward in your life.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
