I'm going to go against the grain here and say that I actually believe it when WASes say they are "confused" - at the moment they say that word. That is not to absolve them of any wrongdoing or an attempt to whitewash the things they have done, or to suggest that they are confused all the time. It is just what they are feeling at the moment.
I say that because I have done a LOT more reading than posting here over the past few months - past situations that worked out and those that didn't, going all the way back to remnants left from before everything was purged.
It has opened my eyes quite a bit. While everyone's situations seem to be broadly the same, there are subtle but distinct differences in between the age groups - younger couples, middle age ones, and ones near retirement age. I find myself smack dab in the middle age group.
Some of the resources are quite helpful in showing that what is going on in the MLC (or mid life or whatever you care to call it group) is really all about what the WAS is going through. Yes it affects us, and yes we get the brunt of everything, but that happens to an overwhelming majority of us. The allegations, the gaslighting, the blaming, it is all part of a pattern that simply justifies the decisions that the WAS is making. We are collateral damage.
Why do they do this? Well, unless they are truly vindictive and out to get revenge, none of it makes any logical sense. Because it is a phase, a depression, something they have to deal with - and since no person wants to admit they have issues with themselves, it is much much easier and more convenient to blame someone else, to project your problems, and who better to blame than the person that is closest to the fire, right?
Your W is not thinking about anyone other than herself right now. Neither is mine (though recently she seems to be showing the occasional glimpse that she's beginning to think of others again). Its a part of the process, and it is a very long process for those of us who were in long-term Rs. I finally get what the vets were talking about. It is a marathon. And you have to be very very patient.
Anyway - I wrote all that to say that you probably won't understand why your W did what she did for a very long time, if ever. Me too in my sit. And it is also going to come as a giant shock to your W when she finally realizes the decisions that she is making are about to have huge consequences. I was fortunate to have stuck it out at home (even though I felt like bailing) and laid things honestly and directly out on the line with my W. It did scare her some - how much remains to be seen.
Your W hasn't had that jolt yet. I'm sorry for what you are about to go through, but it is all part of the process. That's why I suggested to you that you may want to make sure you are ready to deal with all these legal things. I am learning every day how to cope with my anxiety - it is a messy process and doesnt always work. But I am making less missteps now - and I think you can get to a place like that as well. It does - however - take patience and time.
Ok I've blabbed on long enough. Take care of yourself - and remember the future isn't written. It doesn't have to go badly if you don't want it to. You control you
