Here are a few questions to ask yourself: Do you find it odd that W has no clue what is going on? Why do you think that is? Is she behaving like the person you knew before all this went down? Do you think it is based out of spite or vindictiveness?
Point well taken that she is not operating in a rational way at all.
My anxiety is not rooted in attachment to my W. It is rooted in conflict avoidance. There is some upcoming conflict that is likely unavoidable, but will also cause a lot of pain. I don't want to handle things this way, but I am reaching the point where I have no choice. When conflict arises in my life, I instinctively think "I'm in trouble". It's a reaction based in my childhood, and something I continuously work on.
Back to my W for a second... I don't have much empathy anymore. She wants to keep the house, have me be an "every other weekend" dad, and pay for her lifestyle as much as possible. She used the threat of abuse allegations in front of a mandatory reporter to get me to agree to lousy terms when we separated, and then now says she is "confused" if I want something different. I don't think she is vindictive, though -- I think she is in fantasy land. It almost makes things worse, like she is totally oblivious to the fact that accusing someone of abuse MAY make them feel pressured into making different decisions in order to keep the peace, save money, or avoid dragging their kids through a torturously emotional process. It would be easier if I saw her as vindictive.
I understand she is operating on a completely different wavelength. That's fine. I no longer spend time wondering why. I used to spend a lot of time thinking of all the possible reasons (perimenopause, depression, MLC, moving, unresolved issues from childhood). It doesn't matter. Even if I could get over the resentment I am building up, I don't really see her as having the relationship skills I would seek in a new partner.
I also would say that going through this situation has made me rewrite history a little bit as well. Some of the little things that used to be brushed aside look more and more like red flags for the more glaring issues. It's not as simple as "let's just hit rewind and go back to 7 years ago". She would need to change fundamentally just as I have. I imagine for those of us who end up piecing, this is one of the main challenges. Again, I don't really spend time thinking about this.
You asked one other question about whether she behaved like this before the situation. The truth is: She did, towards other people. She does struggle to accept responsibility for her role in interpersonal conflict. She has cut friends out of her life when conflict has arisen. Of course some of this is a positive trait -- she is strong-willed, determined, etc., and those are traits that drew me towards her.
