I'm leery of her keeping you on the sidelines while she goes back & forth with OM. I mean, how can you support her if she's wanting space "to sort things out"? She can't have it both ways.
At any time, did you make it clear that the affair had to die a sudden death? No last meetup with OM, no face-to-face goodbyes, no final date........no nothing. Was anything said about a transparency plan? Did she even ask what YOU would need from her?
Yes, I have made this very clear. No last meeting etc. We have discussed a hand written letter.
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She said she couldn't believe how well I now understand her and that she wants my support in cutting off OM. She said she needs to arrange her support network too because she knows she'll find it difficult to give up OM but she wants to,
Originally Posted by sandi2
Not absolutely sure what she means in how well she sees you understanding her, now.
She has played OM down constantly since I found out and has repeatedly said how OM doesn't really mean much to her. I told her recently what usually happens in affairs and she then revealed she has had strong feelings for OM. She was quite amazed at how understanding I was of what she said I think. I didn't flinch and suspected it all anyway so just validated. I said I understood it was difficult having these feelings and that it was a product of the A.
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Does she see you being her BFF, telling you all about her feelings for OM while she tries to taper off contact with him?
This is a worry of W. She thinks we work great as friends and finds me attractive etc but we would have work to do to become comfortable intimately again.
Update -
I went NC for a few days (which as you'll know from my history is a big deal for us!), W contacted, wanted to see me and said she doesn't want a D and that she wants to work on the relationship. We talked about terms and what would be required for her to come back, she left and said she would work things out and come back to me. There was still no action and she was contacting me so I calmly told her I didn't want to hear from her or see her again until she was ready for action.
After another few days of NC W said she was ready to act and came over last night to sort things out. I was expecting her to write a letter to OM and break it off last night. She said she wants me back but is having a hard time with her feelings. She said she can leave OM but feels bad for leaving him. She said relationship with OM is reduced to messaging now. After discussion she agreed again on writing a letter. She is reading up on relationship advice, marriage advice and has booked to see IC. She wants to MC and start seeing each other again. We have talked through other things about the M that went wrong and agreed IF we tried again we would do things differently. Aside from her intentions, booking IC and reading no action yet. It is what she wants but she keeps putting off the inevitable pain that will follow. It's tempting to recommend some of the many books I have read (like Women's Infidelity) - good idea?
