Riding the Wave 3

[wayfarer]

Hey my dear May,
All of this is crazy on so many levels. I feel for every single person on here trapped in, in limbo. Because what's going on wasn't crazy enough all of us decided it would be great to add a level of anxiety...lol or well our S's did.

I know what you mean about the girls. I've been thinking back to how I first started all of this and my primary motivation to stand for the M was to protect the kids and give them mom and dad in the same house. Now that we have that sometimes part of me wonders what happens if we never work through this and he's never really ready to face the depth of his own actions and why he did what he did.... will that be enough for me? Would I really leave him then and be the one to do that to the kids? UGH.

My situation with our two little families becoming one made me less want to stick this out for them than probably the way you have. Although we are the only real stability they've ever known, they are older, and as much as it might rock their world, my bigger concern was with him being around to work on his relationship with them. If the OW thing had lasted and he started this whole brand new life for himself he would've lost both girls and it would've taken years upon years to repair that bridge. He destroyed their faith in him. He destroyed their faith in good men existing. He stole their security the way he stole mine. There is a lot of anger still bubbling under the surface for both of them. And while I know I'm a control freak and it's not my job to help him mend these relationship, he still doesn't fully understand the depth of the damage he's done with both of them. I had and still have a front row seat to it. They are very open about it with me. If I wasn't here to diffuse and to help usher the new memories and rebuilding the bonds since we're on top of each other I don't know that it would've happened in this decade. And I'm not being facetious. If he can't get his sh!t together and still fence sitting by Fall I'm out with no regrets. At least from my perspective now. He's jerked them around so much with the moving out, not moving out, and where his heart lies I don't know that the girls would fault me. They get incredibly annoyed when he openly flirts with or flatters me. I'm not going to be treated as if I'm not enough ad infinitum. I may never love any one the way I love who he used to be, but at some point here I'm going to have to just love me more.

I like to come read your posts because you are so level headed on this stuff, you are somehow always able to see what is going on and take it for what it is, nothing more, nothing less-- and let go of all that is out of your control. It is really inspiring.

I wouldn't want any one to find it too inspiring. I attribute my ability as a 36 year old to roll with the punches to my sh!tty childhood and years attempting to raise a child with an addict tbh. I'm built for misery. I'm built for people who don't know how to love in a way that isn't self serving. I'm built for forgiveness. I'm built to shift from relying on someone to relying on only me very quickly. I'm built to ignore the bad and accept the good. But I wouldn't wish the way I am on any one. Because all that comes with negatives too. Bouts of depression. Anger issues. Control issues. Being trained to internalizing literally all of that and becoming a mental health time bomb. Having toxic people be attracted to you like a magnet because they can smell the trauma on you, romantically, in working relationships, in friendships. My level headed-ness in crisis comes with a price I wouldn't want any one else to pay.

I'm glad you're running... not me, we are constantly eating and boozing it up and I've gained like 5 lbs so far this quarantine. I really need to figure out how to stay more active. We went for a hike today, so that was good. (And then came home and H made this super cheesy baked pasta dish and we snarfed it all down with some special beers and then a flourless chocolate cake my daughter and I made over the weekend... yeah. not very helpful.)

Well I'm no size 2 as it is. And the running is far more about me not ending up on Snapped than caring sincerely about my weight or physical health right now. We try to eat local take out only on the weekends to help support the small places we like. Which is usually garbage food..lol. But I broke down last night and let them order Pizza Hut. I haven't eaten that in almost 10 years. My stomach was sure to remind me that we don't eat like that any more. And I'm drinking like a fish. Granted I live in a state in the Midwest where we're famous for our drinking. But being locked in it's way more than normal. So you are not alone my friend.

What is stopping you from having that conversation? The regular DB rules of avoiding R talks at all cost? Afraid what you might hear? Feeling that it might be interpreted as pressure by him? I'm so curious... I feel totally unable to curb my desire to ask him all my questions (and then when I do he gets all upset and flippy, so it at least so far has always totally backfired.) I mean... if you can handle not asking it is probably for the best (and if you can try to remain detached and not really caring what he is doing, all the better). But you also don't want to squish down too much of your own needs/wants/desires for too long... I think that isn't healthy in the long run. I feel like all this time together in quarantine adds a certain amount of pressure to everything, because you don't have the outlets of GALing or being on your own.

So there's a few layers to me just leaving alone the questions about the AP and about us right now. He's still not fully himself. I've been watching him slowly grow back into the person he used to be. Every day he's a little more the person I used to know, but he's still not that original we've talked about, he's still that photocopy. He's like a really nice laser color copy but on regular paper not photo paper...lol. I don't know if I'm going to get a truthful answer to any of my questions. I have no desire to have a fruitless conversation with a person who isn't invested in me enough to be completely transparent. I also have no desire to be vulnerable around him until I know he's invested in trying. He's already got my body, and my my mind. He isn't getting my heart back until he gives me a reason to trust him with even a little bit of it. If he chooses to leave I'll ask my AP questions in the context of the closure he owes me. And he'll give me that. If he chooses to stay I'll ask the AP questions as part of the healing process. It's not eating away at me. As far as the "what are we doing here?" That's staying in his court until I have a reason to push the issue. Like him still being here in let's say late July and still sleeping on the couch part time. Because I've repeatedly told him I'm not talking about us. It's effing exhausting. If he wants to talk about it fine I'm all ears. I'll drop what I'm doing. But I'm not investing my time or energy in saying for the millionth effing time "what exactly do you mean when you say there's nothing left in this marriage for you?" And then him having no real way to explain it. And at this point it would be "Ok, so there's nothing left in this marriage for you if we just put aside the whole I'm amazing in bed thing, and I'm your best friend thing? Yup definitely nothing left in this marriage for you. You're right." I don't want to be that guy right now. I'm in a pretty angry place. I had a bunch of guys slip into my DMs lately and it's getting harder and harder to just ignore it and not chase the attention that I'm not getting from my husband who unlike random internet dudes does not tell me I'm beautiful or funny. (granted chasing that kind of attention usually comes with unsolicited d*ck pics so that's also helping me stay away from it...lol) I know that angry place is leading me to feeling really vindictive right now. Because I feel like even if I entertained a single one of those messages, or h3ll, half of them, it still wouldn't be half as bad as what he's done here. I can't be in that place emotionally if I want to have a serious R talk. I will say a bunch of really mean things that I may or may not mean. My grandma has told me repeatedly in my adulthood that my mouth will be the demise of any relationship with a man....lol. The way I'm feeling about everything right now she would likely be right. The last part of it is that my bff's H told me, well before reading DR that all this mess probably started as control thing. That being with an A type woman is a really difficult thing for even the most enlightened of dudes and when they feel like they have no sense of power in the relationship they tend to act out. Not always in a cheating way, this is just the way my H went with it. That some of the root of these things is a power grab. And if I want there to be balance in the relationship I need to relinquish all control. Stop pushing and pursuing I take all the power back by being the one who appears to care the least. So I'm caring less. I'm not asking a thing, or starting a single R talk. And I'll continue to do so until it doesn't serve me any more. I'm still comfortable with him leaving as much as I am with him choosing to stay. So it'll be what it is, in it's own time.

I'm glad you're doing well. I do wish we could have a zoom call and virtually dissect our sitches over a glass of wine or three. xx M

Oh May you hit this on the head with that glass of wine or 3. I think these days it's definitely more the latter...lol xoxo