I know what you mean about the girls. I've been thinking back to how I first started all of this and my primary motivation to stand for the M was to protect the kids and give them mom and dad in the same house. Now that we have that sometimes part of me wonders what happens if we never work through this and he's never really ready to face the depth of his own actions and why he did what he did.... will that be enough for me? Would I really leave him then and be the one to do that to the kids? UGH.
I like to come read your posts because you are so level headed on this stuff, you are somehow always able to see what is going on and take it for what it is, nothing more, nothing less-- and let go of all that is out of your control. It is really inspiring.
I'm glad you're running... not me, we are constantly eating and boozing it up and I've gained like 5 lbs so far this quarantine. I really need to figure out how to stay more active. We went for a hike today, so that was good. (And then came home and H made this super cheesy baked pasta dish and we snarfed it all down with some special beers and then a flourless chocolate cake my daughter and I made over the weekend... yeah. not very helpful.)
Originally Posted by wayfarer
I desperately just want to say, "What are we doing here, buddy?" But I'm trying to do my best to just keep my mouth shut and let him lead this since I was always the one to lead everything. I realize at a certain point here I may have to break my resolve on that.
What is stopping you from having that conversation? The regular DB rules of avoiding R talks at all cost? Afraid what you might hear? Feeling that it might be interpreted as pressure by him? I'm so curious... I feel totally unable to curb my desire to ask him all my questions (and then when I do he gets all upset and flippy, so it at least so far has always totally backfired.) I mean... if you can handle not asking it is probably for the best (and if you can try to remain detached and not really caring what he is doing, all the better). But you also don't want to squish down too much of your own needs/wants/desires for too long... I think that isn't healthy in the long run. I feel like all this time together in quarantine adds a certain amount of pressure to everything, because you don't have the outlets of GALing or being on your own.
I'm glad you're doing well. I do wish we could have a zoom call and virtually dissect our sitches over a glass of wine or three. xx M
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
