It is OK to be angry and feel used and tell him to GTFO. It is OK to cry and feel low. You have had the rug pulled out from underneath you by the person who was supposed to be there for you through thick and thin. If you *didn't* feel awful sometimes about what is going on, then that would be weird!
I think the important thing is to let yourself feel the grief and let it go through you. Then, you pick yourself back up, dust yourself off, remember you are much, much more than half of a married couple. You don't need him or any man to be happy. He is a complete and total mess and will need to work through his crap on his own. This is the time to focus on you and your kids, what makes you happy, what makes you feel whole, what you can do to be kind to yourself and feed your own soul.
And... FWIW I think it was the right thing to do to cut him off. It wasn't making you feel good to spend time with him... so don't. You are under no obligation to see him or be nice to him, or listen to him blah blah blah about how confused he is. I think if you can give your mind a rest from his craziness and focus on yourself for a bit, you will be in a much better place.
How have things been since you last posted?
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
