I think H’s - but if you don’t want it you could return it - is just him being guilty and probably expecting you to be mad or upset with him. He is just trying to save face, to down play his own emotions before he gets tromped. That is not due to you. His past, his feelings, his path.
You did great. Accepting his gift and exclaiming how lovely it was. I’m sure your sincerity shined through amidst the shock.
As to the draft settlement. If you aren’t sure about doing something, than don’t. You have the gift of time, use it. You aren’t in a position where you need to settle this business side of this for financial protection or security. Take all the time you need and mull it over. And by that, sitting quietly and letting answers present themselves.
Trust. Have you ever rebuild trust with someone? A work colleague, friends, parent, whomever. I suspect you have, like I suspect most of us have.
I too have thought about trust. I also have experienced declines in trust and the effort in re-establishing trust in work relationships. Respect also plays a part in this growth.
Regaining trust is possible. I think the problem is we get mixed up with trust vs innocence.
My XW betrayed me pretty brutally; like happened to lots of folks around here. I do believe I could find trust with her again. It would take work on both sides. Like at work - a consistent demonstrable behaviour leads to (re)building a trusting relationship. (I’m actually currently dealing with a subordinate on this very issue).
XW and I, would we ever have that innocence again? Hmmmm.
I see the naive trust we had pre-BD. It was more child-like; it hadn’t had any crazy huge rifts or problems to survive. If she ever turned back, and wanted to do the work, our new trust would be a different kind. One where it is chosen. Not so much innocent, more mature.
Maybe that trust would be stronger. It would take her to acknowledge her actions, have true remorse, and really change. Similar on my side to regain her trust in me. In that effort, respect would be gained as well.
I think that is the key to a new relationship. Not innocence, that is not a priority. Trust and respect, that is the priority. That’s the priority for our “next” relationship. Everyone gives that advice; don’t settle for someone who doesn’t respect you. We are worthy of trust and respect.
It’s just your “next” relationship might be with H. It’s a new relationship, and it’s going to be based on trust and respect.
A few key points I see. A person has to trust themselves, before they can trust another. Not a problem for you. H has work to do. He has been untrustworthy, needs to change his views, and trust that he has.
Forgiveness. Each has to forgive the other and themselves. We must let go the past and look to the future. Not ignore the past, just not hang on to it. Grudges will just get in the way.
And of course this takes the effort of two people committed to choosing and working towards it.
Rebuilding, forging new, takes time. I believe it is possible.
Just my two cents.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
