Thank you to everyone who has been helping me get moving in the right direction - even those who just stop by to read and then can't even come up with the words for this freak show. Thank you to everyone.

It goes without saying when you haven't seen someone for 3 weeks its a little nerve wracking. This is a drop in the bucket for whats to come. After he is moved out it could be months if ever we see each other.

He was scruffy looking. Of course no one can get their hair done and I'm sure its driving him nuts. He is military and likes a high and tight. I love his longer hair (and ladies its not that long). I used to run my fingers through it touching his head. He soooo loved that. I was surprised he hadn't shaved his head because he doesn't like when his hair is long enough to need a comb.

He hadn't shave recently either. He smelled heavy of cigarette smoke. I hated the fact that he smoked. Nagged him to quit. Ignored it to get him to quit. Realized over time I wasn't kissing him as much - I think that was the combo of the smoking and the beard he was growing. Sadly he noticed that I wasn't kissing him either. I objected to the smell. He never smoked around me and it was years before he even smoked outside the house on occasion. I know he wanted to quit and he would cut back but when you work where he does you are around it all the time.

Why today??? Why today did I find the heavy cigarette smoke lingering on him sooo comforting? I really did.

I hoped he notice me... 18lb lighter... on point hair and make up... yoga pants showing off my butt and snug t-shirt highlighting my favorite feature of his. I'm sure he also noticed my wedding ring still on. I never caught him directly looking but its still there on my finger.

I had jumped into the passenger seat. I let him drive. He is an aggressive driver - likes to go fast, pass, he gets impatient. I started doing all the driving trying to avoid the him whipping in and out of traffic. My H knows how to handle a car to get the best performance. We once test drove challengers and he ripped up the road with that thing.

We had gotten into a terrible rut. He would complain about my driving... I would remind him he had a wreck with my car (some time ago - but I never let it go??? why??? I think I was defensive of his criticism.) I complained about his driving. We just got in that terrible habit of bickering. To the point that you just don't notice it anymore... its your new norm. It was terrible of us. I had the ability to change my behavior but we just kept doing the same song and dance.

I let him drive. I relaxed. I didn't let his speeding and passing affect me. Frankly I was distracted talking to him.

The very first words out of his mouth "which dog was sick?" Now the night before I was trying to get off the phone because I was tired after being up all night with a sick dog. He responded he didn't care - I always had excuses.

So the turn around took my breath away a minute. I said both. First puppy for 3 days then dog. He then asked what was wrong. Puppy probably ate something he shouldn't and the dog was probably a new treat I had picked up didn't sit well with him.

We talked the entire hour on the way back to my house.

He asked about the affidavit. I stated that I had already been in touch with my atty twice today and was waiting to hear back. And, I would resolve what I needed as soon as I had her input. He seemed comfortable with that.

I asked about work knowing he is laid off. He stated that they are being told to file for unemployment next week.. He will be alright - this actually costs his employer more so it won't be for long.

I asked what he was doing to stay busy. He said going to his parents and helping there. Walking on trails and running... running I asked? H said yes.

He said he hadn't been online gaming at all. Oh... I should have said more but that was a burn that I had no first aid cream for. He had been spending more and more time over the years on FB gaming. He stated it was his chill out time because of his long working hours and long commute. He gamed everyday... and longer on weekends. We just got into a rut where I would go off and knit and he would online game. He has convinced himself that the online gaming was an escape from our M for him. He was so miserable he needed an escape. So hearing that he wasn't gaming is a positive but then he is also stating that it was a negative of our M. He obviously felt the need to bring it up. I should have validated??? It hurt so I felt I was doing great maintaining composure period.

Talked about his family - and extended family. Talked about my SS20 who is deployed but was supposed to be home before now.

Talked a ton about the virus... a lot all aspects. He was not aware of the minor issues of other species coming down with illness so it was an interesting talk for him. He asked about my work and why we are so busy - just trying to wrap his head around with people out of work how am I so busy. We will be affected but not for 12-24months later.

He again asked about the affidavit like we hadn't already covered it. That confused me but I was kind and just explained to him again what I had just told him earlier. He stated as soon as he has that he should be able to close on his loan next Mon... I said okay.

He states how he is becoming a chef. He cooks for them every night. H has a huge passion for food and cooking. He used to cook a frequently for me. He has mad knife skills. Over the years I just ended up doing more of the cooking and he rarely cooked though we watched cooking shows - huge Alton B fan. I asked what types of things he was cooking... he said he was getting creative with hamburger... oh really??? Such as? He comments mac and cheese with hamburger (he hates mac and cheese). He stated he made queso and we have queso and chips every other night... YES - in my head, WE= H + OW. Trying NOT to say one word. He goes on to talk grocery shopping. I haven't gotten to do much seafood as THEY don't like seafood much.

Okay THEY is not WE. Must be male friend R and wife/daughter. Who am I kidding OW probably also joins them. They are ALL high school friends.

OK -AS I stupidly put foot in mouth again. I said I had hoped some nights that he would have gotten up and cooked dinner for me when I got home but he was always sleeping. It was my job to get home and cook dinner, get him up. Make sure he had food for lunches at work. My job had gotten so busy that I wasn't getting home in time to cook dinner... and he commented that I was slacking on my job. I felt bad but he could have gotten up and cooked. He didn't say anything to my comment.

H started mentioning this friend /that friend. He is reconnecting with other HS friends. I just feel so bad that he felt so isolated with me in my town and driving to work in another town and having a good social circle here. He had to have been so lonely especially when he felt I was rejecting him.

Male friend, R I was originally told was LCSW but today H used the word the psychiatrist in referring to him... maybe he meant psychologist?? H has been using him for IC. I doubt this mans integrity because due to their friendship he should be referring him to someone else. The sad part of this is BOTH male friend, R and his wife have posted testimonials to OW FB page after their declaration of love on how they were both so glad to be witnesses to this beautiful thing..... HE'S MARRIED PEOPLE.

I didn't bring up OW or anything negative.

We go to the house and he pulled car into garage and he noticed how big the puppy was (its been 3 weeks since he last saw him and he is 60lb now). He got the puppy out and greeted the puppy who then ran right for me.

I went in the house first. H was tinkering with the bike. He eventually came in and went right into our bedroom... ok. Used our bathroom. I guess old habits die hard. He brought out some trays that were kept on his nightstand and started going through them looking for the second key fob for the bike. He literally only took the key fob and put everything else back on the nightstand - including the boat key.

I left him to go the computer alone. I was staying busy with the dogs and not hovering. He did ask me to help him with the scanner as he couldn't remember what to click. I helped him and then left him to finish his email. After his email he made a phone call to make sure his email and document got there. I was in the other room. I could HEAR his smile. We had been cordial all day but he hadn't smiled for me.

He went back out to the bike and then asked if he could have something to wipe it down with - went and retrieved. He grabbed his boots from the boot tray and packed up. As he was wiping down the bike I asked if he was in a hurry - he stated he expected that I was in a hurry to get him out of here.

I thought of Sandi's rules - where its okay to ask if they want to do something with you as long as it doesn't affect you and you are okay if they don't go... well I'm sure AS will slap my hand for what I did....

I asked if he could take me for a ride (OMG... NO I DIDN'T??? OH YES I DID). He didn't look up and there was some background noise and he has hearing issues. Did he even hear me??? I went back in the house. Came out as he was finishing up the bike. I said 'I wasn't sure if you herd me'. Again, not looking up and taking 30seconds before saying "I have to get back to X as I still have to get someone to take me to my truck". I said Ok... and went back in the house.

I sat on the couch keeping to myself so I would not hover. I heard him start up the lawn mower... turn off and start up again.. and then a third time. I stayed on the couch. He came back in the house and went back to the bathroom and bedroom. I didn't follow him --- not hovering. He kind of moved around I think looking to see where I was. He found me and looked right at me. We talked about the lawn mower.

Somehow we ended out in the garage. I asked if the trimmer started - I've never used and he never taught S18 to use. He said it should but its temperamental. I said well since its just me I'll just get an electric one. Maybe you should take that. He said he was just getting an electric one too because the yard was small.

He starts talking about how big his garage is and how he could live in it. The house and yard are small but very nice. He said if I let him take the puppy (heart dropping) he would have to walk him everyday but he is super close to walking trail. I said that sounds nice.

He asks if he wants me to bring in the totes from the SUV - no I'll get later. He then said Sunday? I said yes. I went into the house and he was in the garage for another 10min before I heard that big beautiful bike pull away.

I didn't cry. I'm sad but didn't cry at the big empty space in the garage.

There was NOTHING negative... unlike our texts/calls.

I have NO expectations (ok I'd like too but that is dumb).

Male BFF states - that he believes it meant nothing to him. For him this is a stress release because he is getting his stuff and he is seeing an end in sight.

^^^He is probably 100% right.

Not 3hr after he left H texted: Can I get that letter?

Gee thanks... we talked multiple times as soon as I hear I will tell you. But, no I shouldn't be surprised because H is all about being selfish.

Well and there you have it ladies and gents... my day after not seeing H for 3 weeks.