He went off on how he can't stand to be in a car with me for any length of time. He had a ride and she would drop him off (he didn't mean to drop the word she... he had been trying to say friend). I made it clear that SHE will NOT be coming to my house. He tried to play off it was a female friend and I didn't know her name.... WHATEVER. I did not fall off the turnip truck yesterday.
That's a boundary you can't enforce. Stick to boundaries you can enforce. If you set a boundary like that and he violates it anyway, then it just makes you look weak and powerless to him. Don't show him your jealous side. Your attitude should be the Pope or Miss America can drop him off for all you care, it's all the same to you.
You are right. I had to think long AND hard what were my true motivations??? I really didn't want anyone outside of H involved in this with me - its a privacy thing. BUT - I think there was some part of me that wanted to show H I could let go of control. Being in the car with me could be a positive thing and not something to loathe.
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He went on to state his parents were going to help and they were hurt when he told them I did not want them here. I told H I had nothing against his parents. It did not feel cool to have his parents there helping to move my H out of our marital home.
See this would have been a good time to validate. "I'm sorry they were upset." "So they can come over?" "No, given our current situation I think it would be best that they not. It's just not appropriate right now."
Yeah I tried to say something along those lines but it didn't come off as smooth as the above ^^^.
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He got upset said I was being difficult and controlling. I asked that he see my perspective and working in my comfort zone.
Again, good time to validate. "I hear you saying you think I'm being difficult, that must be very frustrating for you." What you did was the opposite of validating, you basically told him you don't care what he thinks/ feels, HE needs to see it from YOUR point of view.
Now I did do that. I stated "I'm sorry you think I'm being difficult" BUT it seems to p*ss him off. This has happened before when I think I'm really doing a great job of validating. He responds "thats because you are being that way". Is this a normal thing for them to do after validating??? It seems to escalate his anger rather than diffuse often times. That's when I stumble.
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AND, I did a major DB no no. I told him I was dealing with a lot of hurt.
Well you are for sure and I do feel bad for you, this stuff is no fun for sure! But don't share that or any other feelings with him. If he shares with you then fine, validate. But don't share anything back. Because he doesn't care one bit, and to him it just sounds like you are selfish and make every convo about you.[/quote]
Yes --- I really wish I had read this before seeing him today.. I have to remember my feelings are not to be shared with him... I must only be open for validation of his feelings.
I really appreciate the help AS. Its been baby steps forward in my emotional well being and lots of miss steps in interacting with H. I'm terrified once all the stuff is gone we will be separate - no contact. no need for any interaction... and that does terrify me.
I want nothing more than to turn this big honkin' cruise ship around... but like the current states of cruise ships right now mine is also stuck/restricted to port.
Last edited by job; 04/08/2008:31 PM. Reason: edited language
