MLC newbie

[Believe6]

Journal,
I think I screwed up today.

Today is the 1 year anniversary of H's dad's death. I asked to give him a hug early this morning while he was working in his office. He did let me. Then my SIL called to talk and he saw me crying. I think he knew it was because I missed his dad, but because he thinks I didn't really love or respect his dad because his dad also had an affair on his mom right after we got married, he's not wanted to share ANYTHING about his feelings.

I talked with my SIL about her anxiety over what's happening in the world and was able to help her. That made me feel good and I felt like my old, empowered self again. The one I know he used to love and admire.

He was in the kitchen so I went to talk to him about my SIL and other things. Since he asked me who was on the phone prior, I believe he'd want to know. We ended up having a good conversation and so I finally asked, "How are you doing?" He shrugged. I asked if I could hug him again. He let me.

I then told him that I loved him. Instead of saying, I love you too, like he did 3 weeks ago (haven't said it in that long) he said I know.

I said, " Do you want to talk about your dad?" He said, "No."

I said, "You're still not ready to let me in." I know, I shouldn't have said that. Of course he's not or he would have brought it up himself. Trust is such short supply and maybe he'll never want to trust me again.

I said, "Ok." And he quickly walked away. He was getting ready to go to the store for stuff and I just did the dishes trying not to berate myself for loving him and wanting to offer comfort on this very tough day.

So here I am. The me that I am... the one that empathizes, that had been his safe place, the only one he would turn to... he isn't turning to me. My heart is telling me he's turning to her. But again, since I haven't been spying on him, I have no idea.

Part of me is ok with him doing that as long as he is really processing his pain. I know he'll want to be there for her during her mother's 1 year coming up in 3 months. But who knows what will happen. I think she's still with her H. I haven't had to drive by her house in weeks so I don't know. I believe she is still there. And I pray they are reconciling. As her husband doesn't know, she has a better chance. And months ago, during our last email (she was a friend), she said she would never bother us again. Never contact us and never be in our lives.

Being religious, I am praying that's true. But let's face it, many religious people have affairs and justify it because of the pain they are in that they can't handle.

I keep praying that God change me for the better. I don't want to stop caring or showing my love and caring to him just because it's against DB rules. This is a very sad day. Even if he's still so far away from me, how can I not at least reach out?

So I did it. I can't be sorry I did. I love him and I care about him too. His pain, all of his pain, matters to me. I am going to be ok that it does and let my heart hurt that he keeps pushing me away. I did what my conscience knows had to be done. I offered love, kindess, physical affection (His main love language) and sympathy.

If that's something that pushes him back a bit into the tunnel, well so be it. I just know that down the road, he'll remember that I tried.

Keep praying to be changed. Keep praying for my own mind to be opened to what may come next. Keep hoping that the light will peak through. He is calmer. He has been looking me in the eyes. I could see him when we were playing games last night with the kids. He looked at me and we had a connection. I felt the zing. I know he did too, but he's fighting it. He's still deep in the hole and I am trying to have zero expectations.

Still, this is so hard today when the grief is so deep... for his dad... for him... for all of us.