I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 9

[AnotherStander]

At the end of the evening I text H that I had a few minutes - what's up. There were texts back and forth. He asked to call and I said not available. Texts continued. He called... I ignored but stated I would call back but if he began to bully me I would not continue.

I know we sometimes give advice to ---sometimes--- not be readily available, but when it comes to sorting out separation just get it over with. Don't keep putting him off, don't intentionally be unavailable when you actually are, don't refuse to accommodate his schedule just to be hard-headed. Right now your best course of action is to work with him on getting his stuff out and get this over with. He says he wants to call then fine, let him call. Stick to business. If he starts getting p*ssy then tell him (in a boring, business-like voice) that you'll hang up if he keeps disrespecting you. Tell him to keep the conversation to logistics and that's it. Time, place, OK goodbye.

I have agreed he can come this weekend for his things. He was pushing about getting his bike today (I had offered it Monday but he was busy... he does not care if I'm busy today)

Are you really busy or are you trying to "teach him a lesson" by being stubborn? If you're really busy that's fine, but just tell him you are and propose a different day/ time.

My stipulations were:

I will pick him up and bring him here to get the bike and his mail.
He can bring totes so I can pack up his clothes for later pick up.

Let him worry about that. Don't offer to pick him up or drive him and don't make suggestions on how he pack or anything like that. Just agree to day/ time for him to get his stuff, the rest is up to him.

He went off on how he can't stand to be in a car with me for any length of time. He had a ride and she would drop him off (he didn't mean to drop the word she... he had been trying to say friend). I made it clear that SHE will NOT be coming to my house. He tried to play off it was a female friend and I didn't know her name.... WHATEVER. I did not fall off the turnip truck yesterday.

That's a boundary you can't enforce. Stick to boundaries you can enforce. If you set a boundary like that and he violates it anyway, then it just makes you look weak and powerless to him. Don't show him your jealous side. Your attitude should be the Pope or Miss America can drop him off for all you care, it's all the same to you.

He went on to state his parents were going to help and they were hurt when he told them I did not want them here. I told H I had nothing against his parents. It did not feel cool to have his parents there helping to move my H out of our marital home.

See this would have been a good time to validate. "I'm sorry they were upset." "So they can come over?" "No, given our current situation I think it would be best that they not. It's just not appropriate right now."

He got upset said I was being difficult and controlling. I asked that he see my perspective and working in my comfort zone.

Again, good time to validate. "I hear you saying you think I'm being difficult, that must be very frustrating for you." What you did was the opposite of validating, you basically told him you don't care what he thinks/ feels, HE needs to see it from YOUR point of view.

He then said I could keep the bike and boat and the payments... I told him I would pack up his stuff and let him know when it was ready to be picked up. He replied that he did not trust me. He then said "you know what? keep it all. I will just 100% start over".

Stick to business. Date, time, goodbye. He throws a tantrum then just completely ignore it and tell him to contact you when he wants to work a schedule out.

He was being irrational so I ended the call.

He called back. Not sure why because it continued.

DON'T ANSWER when he calls back after you just hung up on him for being disrespectful.

I said I needed to go and I would think things over but I needed some space. H retorted "you have space... I've been giving you space... let me have my stuff and then its all your space" I ended the call again.

Somehow I called back.

Why oh why oh why, LOL!

AND, I did a major DB no no. I told him I was dealing with a lot of hurt.

Well you are for sure and I do feel bad for you, this stuff is no fun for sure! But don't share that or any other feelings with him. If he shares with you then fine, validate. But don't share anything back. Because he doesn't care one bit, and to him it just sounds like you are selfish and make every convo about you.

I tried talking to him about if he was okay using the printer/scanner in the home with me then he certainly would be okay to be in a car with me. He could come use the printer but I would need to pick him up and then he would leave with the bike and it was an over and done deal....

Why do you want him in your car so bad? You really need to avoid interactions with him as much as possible right now. It seems like you're trying to find ways to force him to interact with you. IT WILL NOT WORK! It'll just look desperate and needy to him. Tell him to send the stuff, you will print it out, and whenever he comes to pick up his junk he can pick up the papers too.