Journaling - Not only did I have first class tickets to the crazy train, I now realize I'm driving the crazy train.
At the end of the evening I text H that I had a few minutes - what's up. There were texts back and forth. He asked to call and I said not available. Texts continued. He called... I ignored but stated I would call back but if he began to bully me I would not continue.
I have agreed he can come this weekend for his things. He was pushing about getting his bike today (I had offered it Monday but he was busy... he does not care if I'm busy today)
My stipulations were:
I will pick him up and bring him here to get the bike and his mail. He can bring totes so I can pack up his clothes for later pick up.
He went off on how he can't stand to be in a car with me for any length of time. He had a ride and she would drop him off (he didn't mean to drop the word she... he had been trying to say friend). I made it clear that SHE will NOT be coming to my house. He tried to play off it was a female friend and I didn't know her name.... WHATEVER. I did not fall off the turnip truck yesterday.
He went on to state his parents were going to help and they were hurt when he told them I did not want them here. I told H I had nothing against his parents. It did not feel cool to have his parents there helping to move my H out of our marital home.
He got upset said I was being difficult and controlling. I asked that he see my perspective and working in my comfort zone. He then said I could keep the bike and boat and the payments... I told him I would pack up his stuff and let him know when it was ready to be picked up. He replied that he did not trust me. He then said "you know what? keep it all. I will just 100% start over".
He was being irrational so I ended the call.
He called back. Not sure why because it continued. I said I needed to go and I would think things over but I needed some space. H retorted "you have space... I've been giving you space... let me have my stuff and then its all your space" I ended the call again.
Somehow I called back. I was calm. AND, I did a major DB no no. I told him I was dealing with a lot of hurt. That he got his wish and my hurt was probably exceeding his now. He really calmed down and was quiet. I said it wasn't always bad - he replied he hadn't said that it was (yes, he had). I said you shouldn't have left. H replied - did you expect me to go on being unhappy? I said no but you should have let me get my SH*T together. H said - you should have done that 6yr ago. <<<<<<<<<<< THIS, this was my downfall.... I know better than to go there. How did I again dip my toe into that river of stench?
I said I needed to go to bed and he could call in the morning and said good bye.
One thing I will say is that H is completely okay with sitting silent on the phone. He is never the one to end it unless he is super angry which has only been twice. I'm always the one to end the call - he seems in no hurry. Business is taken care of so why keep me on the phone. He isn't asking which dog kept me up all night being sick. I don't get it - probably means nothing. I just make sure I'm the one to wrap things up.
I haven't spoken to my in laws since this went down. I certainly didn't want them to have hurt feelings. So I texted MIL just a simple hope they are safe and healthy given the current situation of the virus.
MIL immediately texted back the longest text I've ever gotten from her. Stated she was glad to hear from me. Had been thinking about me and S18. Asked me to hug S18 for her. Felt bad for all the 2020 seniors that will not have graduation. Asked me to let her know what we will be doing for S18 to celebrate. She was praying for us. Left a short prayer and ended it with love you.
I just responded back that I would hug S18 for her. Will probably have a big party for S18 once things are safe again. I sent love to her and FIL. I did not say one thing about H or our sitch and she was lovely enough to not bring it up.
I woke up this am to more texts from H - he needed my help so he could use the printer and scanner and that I needed to sign affidavit and to call him when I woke up.
UHMMMM --- I'm sure his father has a printer. WTH.
I called. He was clearly asleep though having texted me an hour before. He said he needed to print real estate docs. The affidavit was something the lender needed stating he had access to funds in our joint acct in his town. It was early. That was weird. I just said I would think about it. He got mad and said he knew I wasn't going to help him hung up.
UGH... I texted I hadn't said no but he would need to send me what he expected me to sign.
I called back... he was asleep. I tried talking to him about if he was okay using the printer/scanner in the home with me then he certainly would be okay to be in a car with me. He could come use the printer but I would need to pick him up and then he would leave with the bike and it was an over and done deal.... he literally feel asleep on the phone. Got him to wake up again... repeated it... he mumbled... I just said call me when you wake up.
He was clearly up all night steaming bout our convo... but lets face it... I didn't sleep to well either.
So there you go anonymous internet board - all my poor decisons in the last 12hr laid bare and off my chest.
I still want to please him. I still want him to reconsider his path. <<<< THIS HAS TO STOP.
I'm the one driving the crazy train. I have to figure out how I'm going to drop this rope ---- why do I have to help him at all??? Was he willing to do anything I needed to help me???
