U, good point on the separating of finances and insurance. WAS's throw all the rules and morals out the window after the drop the bomb. Her separating finance and insurance gets in the way of her NYC lifestyle while focusing on art and politics which I imagine are more passions projects than business endeavors. Just trying to get you thinking Steve, not attack you guys.
No, it's a fair point. I go back and forth on it a lot. I feel very naive when I give WAS the benefit of the doubt, that she's ambivalent, she's hurting too, and so on. I guess I'll never really know the whole story. (Not that it really matters, but WAS went back to full-time work, and found a great job that she likes and pays well.)
Where I struggle so much with all of this is around control. The way I've lived my life has always been to work and to work and to work and get the things I want through sheer effort and force of will. Because of that, I can't say I have a lot of disappointments - other people have disappointed me, sure, but generally speaking my life has been pretty good, and it's not because it's been handed to me but it's because I've busted my ass to make my life what I want it to be.
But I can't control this. At all. All I can do is the things that make me a better, healthier person. And I do absolutely 100% believe that it would make us a stronger couple, but that's not why I'm doing it and even if it was, that's just not how thinks work.
I try to maintain self-awareness, but it's hard. I've got it good. I'm an able, talented person living in a wonderful city with a career I enjoy and great health. But then there's the voice: if that's the case, why doesn't she want me? If you have all of these things in your life you find fulfilling, why can't you stop thinking about the R? You've achieved so much in your life, how could you let this fail? How does anyone find peace with all of the things they wished they did differently?
I have such admiration for people on here who have done such a good job at detachment and dropping the rope. I just don't know how to do it. And I know it's rooted deep in me, all of my fears of abandonment from being adopted and my Mom passing away early, all of my co-dependency and NGS being the son of an alcoholic, and it just feels at times that I'm struggling against such a strong tide and it just floods and overwhelms me.
But I'm working on it. I'm working with my IC, I'm reading books, I'm posting here, I'm trying to figure it all out. That's all I can do, I guess.
