Sounds like you are doing very well with this single parent stuff. Having your sons, two young men doing their university courses online, around during all this is a good thing. And yes, you three wise men know and see how W/Mom is behaving, no matter what she says.
And there is one of the truths in all this. Believe none of what the MLCer says, and only half of what they do.
MLCers are driven by their feelings. Their emotions are cranked up to 11. Long ago emotional trauma(s), from a person in a position of authority, emotionally scarred and stunted them when they were young children/teenagers.
Their buried and denied pain has remain within them until the pressures of midlife stir those unrealized feelings. A triggering event awakens their torment around 18-24 months before bomb drop. The LBS can usually see these small innocuous signs when they look back and start putting the pieces together. Don’t worry, no one sees those signs for what they were while living with their spouse.
Your W is on a journey. A person in crisis is completely captivated and unable to escape their emotional suffering. It is so bad, so tormenting, that they will rewrite their history, blame you, the kids, the dogs, the sky, whatever... they run from their pain. They are driven to escape their pain. They destroy their lives, their marriages, their families, all in an attempt to run from themselves. This all has nothing to do with you! This was all set up a long time ago, when you didn’t even know her.
A MLCer doesn’t know any of this. They don’t see it. They can’t. Their long ago, unaddressed emotions, are now at the surface with all the pain from that time. This drags them back to that time. They revert to those small children/teenagers, reliving those times. They need to find peace with their feelings. To realize they were not at fault for whatever trauma(s) were inflicted upon them. They were young people and not to blame, but a person in authority holds great power over a young emotionally immature person, and that young person blames themselves.
Remember, this is an emotional trauma. The young person cannot reconcile what happened, and does not know what to do. Imagine someone of absolute trust, betraying you - well we all have that with BD - but as a young person you’d have no idea how to handle it. So the trauma(s) gets emotional buried and forgotten... until later. Ticking time bomb, the fuse on which was lit long ago. This MLC was, and is, unknown, unavoidable, and so very unfortunate for all involved.
You are not along for the ride. She will be walking her path alone. And she needs too.
You need to focus on you and the boys. Give W space and time. She needs both and will take them, therefore do not pressure her. Keep any interactions cordial and pressure free. Too much pressure and the MLCer will bolt.
MLCers cannot blame themselves, and therefore blame their loving spouse. Your W says you guys had a bad marriage, mine said she was unhappy for the last 2, 5, 15 years. Yeah, they rewrite their history to match and justify what they feel.
One on the main goals for you is to give her time to realize that you are no longer affecting her emotions. Now, I know, and you know, that she is the one affecting her emotions - but she doesn’t know that. You focus on you and let her be. After a while she realizes that hey Taz hasn’t been around for a while and yet I am still unhappy. Therefore it cannot be his fault.
That little leap of logic is an insurmountable canyon for her right now. She cannot see the reality staring her in the face. Time and space, and lots of it.
Taz, you have the gift of time, use it well. The LBS grows from this. Usually becoming better people through this crucible of change. The situation you find yourself in is an incredible opportunity, and one I wish you didn’t have to endure. Our own path has many blessings and realizations along it, and is a slog to get through.
There are many people here, who know what you face, and what you are traversing.
Focus on you. Detach. Find compassionate indifference. Let go.
You sound well and grounded.
Stay strong.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
