That is the biggest lesson for in all this. You cannot assign your emotions/thoughts/logic to another person. You cannot even begin to assume what is going on in their head and you will drive yourself nuts trying to figure it out
Driving myself nuts trying to figure it out is just so, so true. It just doesn't make sense. Even if I throw the cliches of "I was the most important person in her life, now I'm a just a stranger" out the window, pretty much everything else she's done doesn't really add up. She intentionally withholds (like NC on my birthday, or just the other day), but she lights up when she sees me and we laugh and have a great time. She doesn't make any effort to move anything forward, yet she consistently turns down any option of cutting the cord, including literally telling me that it's not how she feels.
I feel like I'm just in a loop here. It's probably how a lot of people here feel. One positive month of focusing on myself and detaching, then a slip up, back to square one.
A lot of people, including my IC, ask me when I'm going to be done, when I'm going to stop putting myself through it. I wish I knew. I still love her, I can't dispute that. And I still think, 100% and absolutely, that the time we spent apart has opened my eyes to a lot of things that would make us better and more harmonious partners in the future. I'm not the man I was six months ago.
And so I just assume there's going to be a day in the future when I wake up and realize it's not what I want anymore. But I'm not there yet. And sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be there. But until that day comes, I'll be standing and working on myself while whatever happens happens.
