MLC newbie

[Believe6]

Journal
Struggled yesterday. Had a lot of back and forth emotions. The night before I had realized that I was worth more than how I was being treated. I felt completely detached... almost a bit bitter for how H is willing to treat me. But then the night comes and the morning... Maybe it was that it was Palm Sunday or as my BFF said, Venus (planet) entered Aries... things aligning oddly?

Anyway, I struggled most of the day. I had suspicious thoughts about H and what he was doing out on his "run." I am doing much better not even worrying or thinking about what he is doing throughout the day. Although, how will I ever really trust him again? He did things (send pics, texts etc) while I was in the room. I felt like a trusting idiot. Can you ever get that faith and trust back in a person who betrayed you so thoroughly?

I know that question is really for the time when we are reconciling. I know that is down the road. I must continue to focus on me. We had a good night. Did video conference with family for a birthday which was fun. It was great to feel like a family even for a short time as no one knew what we were going through so we were being the "happy" family everyone has always seen.

Then we had a really yummy dinner which he made and played a board game. We all really like that game as it's not as competitive as others. Yes, one person wins but it takes logic and skill to do so. He had hurt himself on his run so I helped him a little and he let me. Even as roommates and friends we can do those things.

I did go to bed early so I could regroup and read. I was able to calm my mind, get myself centered and keep my expectations at zero. I woke up without the deep anxiety I had the day before. Now I am wondering if it's hormones or what. I feel calmer today.

Going to take care of myself. Applied to 2 jobs. Not really up my alley, but just continuing to put my name out there feels right. Listened to some podecasts that remind me to do the work on my mind. Going to change into workout clothes so I can do some exercises. It's raining here so I can't go out, or maybe I will once the weather clears. Then I have more inner work to do. Maybe I'll pain with my D. She's painting a lot or listen to music with S. We'll see how the rest of the day goes.

So far, I am doing what feels good to me today. I am proud of myself. Be good to yourselves all!