Cross countries separation EU

[Pack_19]

Hi Ben!

Thanks a lot for the comment! I was sure to find people here who understand me and with that story you just left me breathless. I would probably hold composure but my chest would feel like a tornado of pain if that happened. Worst thing is that I know I have to be prepared for that if it is what it all comes to.

I wanted my post today to start with a touch of humor for those who are home because of the virus. Remember when I first came here? no? see my first post, I literally asked everyone if I should send the DR book to my W! Epic first move!

My biggest question today was going to be about time. Everyone who loves is like come on man! it has been 8 year! dont you see she had made a decision? The other day, I talked to my W and of course she was on fire and she mocked me saying "how long has it been? dont you get it?" I calmly answered "8 months", and changed the subject. It hurt double because dates that are recorded with ink in my head like the day she moved out she seems to have forgotten and she seems to be sending the same message as at the beginning, "oh you poor hurting thing, all you need is time."

This freaking virus, aside of how lucky I am to be able to continue working, is not good for DB. I keep my exercise routine, I started watching my fav tv show over again (in short sessions, not too much tv), I am studying for the certifications I need at work and I have taken down the keyboard to become a rookie musician. But when my children are not here I wake up crying, then I pull myself up from the pity party or I go to sleep crying, missing her and the possibility to hug her to sleep. People out there are dying without being able to say goodbye to the ones they love, is heartbreaking. If I did not have enough with my guilt and desire to undo all the pain I put her through, this virus is reminding us all of everything that really matters, and you guys know for me is my family and her. My W thinks differently apparently, she told me she does not even remember when our R was good. She is really trying to break me, or to make me lose it so that she proves herself right, but not today, today is a lesson on true love and humbleness.

I dont know if you remember at the beginning of this I said here my W built a kind of support circle with her cousin who stood up a cheating boyfriend weeks before their wedding was planned and probably talked long about the incomplete and unfulfilling relationships they both had. Well she has moved in with my W until this is over. The last time I offered my W dinner, and I swear this was 2 weeks ago, she replied no, also my cousin is here and she said she was never coming back although I could keep hope if I wanted (she said this in a mocking tone).

She also said something that destroyed me a bit more. She told me in my family I have been taught I can have all I want and now she is what I want and I cannot accept I cannot have her and control her life. I come from a humble family, I have been the best student since school, got grants, got prizes, promoted and changed jobs. I am everything but spoiled, I have worked for every good thing in my life and this is why I want to work through the DB process. I trust my personal strength and ability to learn, but for her... for my W I am just a child who wants something he has lost, and he does not even truly love. I got in my car, I cried, I got home and cried again. I dont know how much I have changed for her to think something like this. But I know something better, I love her above all and finally my tiny stubborn brain understands now that love means giving the other person what she/he asks for and she is asking me to NOT have a R with her.

The loving comes natural, for example she talked to me about how she wants our children to start eating healthier, so I got a book about that because I want to be able to talk to her about ideas. I want to take care of her, now when people are making jokes about how domestic fights are increasing all I want is a f@%$# night kissing her and in bed with her, but my best and only friends are books and the phone.

I trust with time and effort I will be the perfect husband for someone. I just hope that someone is her and my children can have the family they deserve. I am reading "Manly Separation Survival" and it is really helping me but I miss her. Some days I sink in thoughts about the things she told me at home, when she threatened to go with the first man she would find if I made her stay in Germany, when she said she was glad she only had to survive a few days before she would be away from me or told me I had never satisfied her in the bed...

My family adores me, my friends admire me and my children miss me every single day they are with her. But for my W, the most important person in my life, I am some kind of monster. I am sorry I bring all these sad reflections, I need to talk to someone about this. Please note I dont see myself as a victim, I messed it up and I have put my marriage at risk of death because I ignored her many warnings. I have a lot to change but I could really really really use a hand from her side. Thank you all, tomorrow is my sister's birthday so no crying in 48 hours!