Hi everyone. It's been a long time since I wrote an update so I thought I'd check in. More of a journal than anything else.
In regards to my last post, I can't remember how exactly it happened, but shortly after WAW called me and said that her aunt had heard incorrectly, and that it wasn't how she felt. Now, in my entire life with WAW, I have never known even a single time for her to ever lie to me and while I have absolutely no idea what the real truth is, the fact that she immediately called to set the record straight was meaningful.
As far as the two months since then, well, it's been a lot of the same. This pandemic has been really hard on me in particular - not that I've gotten sick, thank God - but with the quarantine and everything being locked down, it's really hitting me hard now unhappy I am being single and how much I want to reconcile with WAW. We met up twice since my last note, both times were generally positive - the rapport is still there, we make enough laugh, and so on.
I'm in NYC so I've been intentionally staying in and locking it down because it's just so crazy outside. I ventured out for about ten minutes on Saturday, just to get some fresh air, and who did I run into but WAW. She was lugging back groceries, and she saw me from the other side of the street and came over. I immediately offered to help her with the groceries, and she refused. I ended up walking back to her apartment with her, ten minutes, just chatting and catching up. It was nice to see her, as always.
If I want to try and read too much into her actions, to me it's sort of strange that she didn't want me at all to help her with groceries. My therapist believes that so much of our S is about her being unhappy with where she was with her life (not working, focusing on art, dependent on me) and that her mindset right now is all about being totally independent, not needing anyone for anything, and so on. That would generally map with her actions yesterday. I know she's also cooped up alone in her apartment so it was also sort of surprising that she didn't lead on any sort of discomfort or loneliness with the quarantine, which I am definitely feeling a lot of.
This is going to get me a swat from the regulars on here, but I shot her a text yesterday that it was nice to see her, and that I'd love to catch her up on some of the things I've been working on and that maybe we could go for a walk since we're both cooped up. 24 hours later, no response. And as I'm sure you might guess based on my history, the lack of a response threw me off and now I'm back in a negative spiral. I know better, but it's hard to avoid.
Oh, and she actually thinks that she got the virus already - late in January, she said she got really sick with the flu and was just completely exhausted for two weeks. No cough, not much of a fever, but it was severe enough that in retrospect she thinks that she had it. That was tough for me to hear - one, that something could have happened to her and I wouldn't have known, and two, that even in her extremely weak state, she didn't reach out to me at all for help.
I guess more than anything else, I just don't understand. She's had so many opportunities to really create distance, none of which she's taken - our finances are still combined, she's on my insurance, and so on. We have such a good time when we get together, when we work together on things we're a really powerful force - and yet other times she treats me as if I'm some stranger that she doesn't know at all. I would have absolutely put myself in harm's way to help her when she was sick. It wouldn't even be a second thought.
My friends all think I'm crazy. They don't know why I keep putting up with this. The short answer is that I still love her, and that I really do believe with the hindsight of going through this pain and all of the things I've worked on within myself in the interim, that we'd be in such a better place if we reconciled. I also can't lie about the fact that I'm still very physically attracted to her, and that in my nascent looking around, I haven't really met anyone who caught my fancy anywhere near the way she did all that time ago.
So, I guess it's just try to get through this valley, keep working on myself, and just try and try and try to work on and get better at distancing. It's so tough with everything that's going on. But I'm making myself sad and getting stuck in quicksand the way I'm going about it now.
