Husband Living a Double Life

[Liz11]

So my question is this all BS? He seems to be all over the place. Is this why we don't believe anything they say? I know he's still talking to her and has a trip planned in May to go see her. I asked him not to go. He didn't respond.

Hi MoGirl, I haven’t read your whole thread so I will just answer to your question in a general way. I think...we don’t believe in what they say because 99.9% of the time they don’t know either. They are a mess. They might claim one thing but flip flop back to something completely opposite next week. And you asking him to not go- is pursuing. You cannot control what he does. Therefore you should not ask that of him.

My husband tried to give me a hug today when he left. I refused it. Did I do the right thing? I felt like it was a sympathy hug because although I didn't cry, my eyes did tear up. He didn't say anything. He just walked out of the house. Now I'm second guessing myself. Should I have said something like " as long as you're still seeing the OW , you can't expect to be affectionate with me" I'm second guessing myself.

Any advice?

If you are up to it, I don’t see the harm in receiving a hug. But if you know it’s going to mess with your head, than don’t force it. Don’t over-analyze everything, you will drive yourself nuts. That’s a boundary you need to decide for yourself.

HTH!

Hi Mo, I know how it feels to have someone all over the place, and while I'm by far not experienced or anything, I agree with woomba that, at least for me, the reason I've tried not to lean in to everything my WAH says is because he is a mess, doesn't know what he wants, and can flip on a dime. I know how hard that is when the negative flip comes, because it's hard to accept that positive signs have permanence, and very easy to think that the negative signs are locked in. I've struggled a lot with that over the past few days, and I just keep trying to tell myself that I don't have control, and that I have to ride the wave. So much easier said than done, right?

I also know how you feel about a husband trying for a hug or other signs of affection. Mine did it week before last and I almost said no, but I let it happen. I don't regret it, but now that it seems he's flipping back to "I don't know if this will end in divorce," I don't like how I feel when the hope drops out from under me. I've fallen prone to overanalyzing it over the past few days, and am trying to get myself out of that head space and back on me. I noticed when I managed to detach -- and you'll know when you really are, if only for a little while -- I started to feel better, and then my WAH reappeared with some positivity again towards our future. I'm not saying to detach because of that, I only mention it because the timing is almost funny, in a twisted sort of way.

Anyway, I feel for you. Hugs and support coming your way.