The email came last night. I don't know how to respond. I see some hope, but I bet you don't. I see some cake eating but I see a somewhat remorseful apology. My W is someone who struggles to communicate unless it is in writing.
So I have been thinking a lot about everything. There are lots of things I want to say and need to say.
The first thing would be is that I am truly sorry for the hurt that I have caused. I know I cannot take any of it back and I know you will hurt for a long time. This was never my intention. I know that a sorry wont take any pain away but I want you to know I am. Sorry is never going to take the pain away but I want you to know I truly am. I wish I could take what I did back knowing how hurt I made you and (our D).
I lacked in many things in this relationship. I think I did not communicate well with my feelings and emotions until it was too late hence my poor decisions.
I also did not take in to consideration your feelings and emotions on certain things especially when it came to going out. I was very selfish.
I think I could have been better at planning time for just us two especially after having (our D). It is so hard to have a relationship and raise a child and work full time and I could not manage it all or felt very overwhelmed with it all that I just gave up on the effort. You know I have never been good at this and that is not ok. I need to put way more effort into planning and being proactive otherwise I will never be successful in life.
I have kept stuff internally for so many years that I just figured why deal with it now. Knowing that I wish I could have dealt with it all better. I know that is not fair to you and I realize that and that's why I am trying to make you aware now.
I know you have been waiting for along couple weeks, months or even years for this email but you know how hard it is for me to express my feelings and that's unfortunate and most of the reason we are at where we are.
I am sorry for arguing with you last night and it was not appropriate but you also need to realize how stressful life is for all of us with this Corona stuff, our situation and child care. It absolutely infuriates me how you can look at me and say "figure it out" when I have (our D). You know what I do for a job as a nurse and with all this stuff going on lately you are not supporting me at all if you say you will not help. What would you like me to do? Hire a babysitter or my mom etc and expose her potentially? This is what you want this to come to? It feels like you're being selfish of being angry at me and taking it out on (our D). I am not saying that's the case that's just how I feel about the situation that happened.
I know you are beyond upset about (grandmother). I am so heartbroken for all of you. I pray every night since I knew. I know this isn't helping anything we are going through and no matter what I do still love you and care about you and your family. I love you and always will. I know I hurt you more than anything in the world and I wish I could truly take it away along with all the other worries we have going on currently.
I offer to come over to hang with (our D), cut your hair, get you wipes/gloves/mask from work all because I still want to make sure you are ok not just for (our D) but for you. I know you don't want to hear all that but I do love you for you and you are not the reason for all of this but I am.
I am and have always just struggled with my feelings and I let things build up over time and I get anger and resentment and it ruins everything. I just need some space and time to figure me out (which I know you have given me and now with all the corona [censored] its not helping any situation only making it worse) and I am not asking for you to wait around or put your life on hold I am just telling you what I need to do for me. I am sorry and I know you wont wait forever and I get that and I am not asking you to just simply telling you how I feel. I have come to terms with that and with your actions and emotions towards me. I know what you want from me. I know you are moving on and I don't blame you. I am just really having a hard time and I need to just find me. I have lost me and cant seem to find it at all.
I am so proud of you for the things you have changed since this all happened. Smoking and making healthier options for you is beyond amazing. I hope you made those changes for you. I worry about you and I just wish I could take away what I did. I never intended to hurt you but I know I did. I am so so sorry (KTO). I am struggling a lot as well. Don't think I don't have my bad days, my crying days or my depressed days. Those days are most of the time to be truthful lately. I know its not a pity party I am just being honest.
I am going back to counseling finally after missing it for a couple weeks because of Corona and I had a good session this week and have another one planned next week. I know I need to try harder and I have been saying that for years. I agree and I have to be about it and not just talk. I am so sick of fighting and wish we could just have talks without arguing and that seems to be few and far between and I know I am guilty of that. I just get so frustrated and feel like you still want to tell me how and what to feel. You also don't ask me things and just assume and that bothers me so much. Please ask me and don't assume. I know you don't owe me a response from this as I know this is way long over due but if you would like to respond ok.
