Things in quarantine are interesting. Since it's looks like like this is our life for the next month or more keeping my mouth shut has been exponentially difficult because I desperately just want to say, "What are we doing here, buddy?" But I'm trying to do my best to just keep my mouth shut and let him lead this since I was always the one to lead everything. I realize at a certain point here I may have to break my resolve on that. H said something to the effect of he's glad he had saved that money to move out so now he can spend some on home gym equipment and have a buffer in savings given overtime being completely eliminated for him. And then mentioned that he might dip into some vacation time if need be to keep his checks at 40 hours if it gets that bad, or in the next few months on the check our rent is due so there's wiggle room and "we" don't have to rely solely on me that pay period. His words not mine. Like a million things were swirling in my head like, ok so are you not moving out because of covid or are you just not moving out any more? Because you'd still need a security deposit if you left. Who is this we? Like us as a household that's trapped together or like our actual family? The vague allusions are honestly what's driving me crazy right now. So I run. And I run. And I run some more and then do yoga. And then drink heavily. But that has to do with the teenage girls being locked in together, in congress with my H's complete and total inability to just say wtf he's actually thinking, ever.
I'm still grateful for this gift of time. And this gift of my family being in one piece for at least a couple more months. I think no matter what I've gotten my wish. Him not leaving at least until June. And the repairing of his relationship with the girls. So that's encouraging. I'm hoping though we can figure out what direction we're going in by then. I love this man. And I want to keep my family in tact, but I don't know that I can stay wondering what is going through his head through 2020. I just don't see myself being ok with waiting him out past a year. But I've had an excessive amount of time to sit and obsess like all of us I suppose. So who knows what I'll do when we actually get there. One day at a time.
