Thanks, FFHubby! I will definitely check that book out when I can. I actually work in mental health and I am pretty aware of those concepts, especially the role of attachment. Counselors and psychologists have plenty of their own problems, too. As soon as emotions and true vulnerability get involved, graduate level training is meaningless! Haha
As I peel back the layers of my own "pursuer" dynamic, I'm finding more and more underneath. All kinds of ways I was pursuing that I had just internalized as normal relationship behavior. And seeing her act a little differently has alerted me to all the ways she was withdrawing. The scariest thing in the world is stopping the pursuit of someone you love moving away from you. But it's the only option, really.
DaB35, I am sorry to hear about your situation. That is such a quick turnaround from one life to the next. Thank you for sharing and for your thoughts on porn addiction. I have made some changes to my plan for sobriety that I think will make a big difference. I won't get too specific on here, because that's not really what this site's about. I am part of another online community that is very helpful in maintaining accountability and motivation.
Might as well update while I'm posting: Continued changes in W and I interactions. I won't say if they are positive or negative, because I don't know. I've stopped trying to read her mind. They're positive for me. We spent a several hours yesterday all together as a family, mostly at the park just wandering around. Conversation was easy and free. I was confident and cheerful but not pursuing. She is acting much calmer around me now, and even more feminine. She's initiating touch and hugs here and there, but nothing sexual. It was my night with our son, and after we left I got a text saying it was the best day she had had in a long time. She's going to come over later this morning to make breakfast and spend some more down time together as a family.
I'm really trying to balance some of the principles of DB-ing with pulling myself out of the "pursuer" mode. I definitely don't want to come across as eager or too accessible to her. But, I'm also realizing my way of being in the relationship in the past has left her no room to actually pursue me. Since she is the withdrawer, I want to make sure I am "rewarding" her actions that pursue me. Hopefully I've said this in a way that makes sense. I don't think DB-ing is at all out of line with what I'm saying. I think I'm asking for others thoughts on how rewarding my wife's pursuits of me fit with DB-ing.
Again, thank you all. You have no idea how many stupid phone calls, texts, emails, etc. you have helped me NOT send. Thanks for helping me get my confidence back.
