Hope, I’m not super active on the boards here, but I always read your updates because our situations were quite similar at the start. I wish I could give you a hug. Two years is a long time to be stuck in the same place with the same feelings.
Do you think there would be merit in trying a different approach? Not to win your H back, but to rescue yourself. I think DB calls it the last resort technique. From what I understand, it’s essentially going NC with the exception of childcare arrangements. No more spending time at your house, no more random conversations, no more access to your thoughts and feelings.
What I’m wondering is if he has experienced any consequences for his behaviour during the past two years. What would he do if he realised he had genuinely lost you? If he realised that divorce really did mean the end of family time? What incentive does he have to value you and your shared life if he knows he can behave however he wants and be welcomed home with open arms? I think he knows that door is not closed.
Regardless of what happened during your marriage, your H betrayed and disrespected the vows he made when he walked out. That trumps anything you did or have done since. He should be begging YOU to allow HIM to be part of your life. He should be grateful that YOU aren’t pushing for divorce. Right now, he’s still calling the shots and he knows it.
Try making him believe the door is closed. You don’t have to be mean or cold, just firm with your boundaries, eg. I’ve already apologised for my part in our marriage breakdown and won’t discuss it further while the divorce is pending. I respect you as D4’s father, but I want to keep our relationship to parenting matters only, so please don’t comment on my appearance. You’re welcome to drop D4 off at the front door and I’ll put her to bed, and I will do the same at your house. Or whatever suits you.
Don’t lose sight of what you want and deserve. If H was out of the picture, what would your life with D4 look like? What’s stopping you cutting the cords tying you to your old life and designing a new, happier life? Your H may or may not follow and you can’t control that. If he doesn’t, you WILL be okay. If the alternative is still being stuck in this emotional turmoil in another year or two, doesn’t moving on alone sound more appealing? Your situation may or may not be a lost cause. Just don’t let YOURSELF become a lost cause.
