Limbo over, now separated but in lockdown (part 3)

[Pommy99]

Ok, journal update.
H came over today as he said he’d still like to talk. In some ways it was same old, same old. (Another top prediction by AS ). Still confused, feeling sad, misses my company, doesn’t know whether he’s grieving the R or should never have left. Still thinking about what’s important to him, still struggling to see me as a lover. BUT has been wondering if that was resolvable. Also he spoke of never wanting to put me through this again so needs to be certain coming back is the right thing to do, at the same time he acknowledged that I might not even want him back. The companionship we have is a massive thing for him. He must’ve mentioned it 4 or 5 times.

I certainly didn’t leave him with the impression that I was still available. I said that this break had given me time to step back, have space around me and recentre myself ( thanks Wooba!). That I had previously been focusing on fighting to keep the R together, whereas now I didn’t need to fight anymore and I was able to see things from a different perspective. I felt stronger because I was no longer operating from a place of fear. That I wanted to move on and look forward, plan things, that I had hoped that it would be with him, but if not it would be me and the girls.

I did tell him that he was my soul mate and for some reason he liked that and said he felt that had come from my heart, whereas usually he feels everything is a bit emotionless and from my head. I was a bit surprised at this one thing being picked up on.

When he left he gave me the biggest longest hug ever and kept kissing my head.

Oh and he asked if I wanted to cycle with him tomorrow and he said he’d clean my car for me next weekend. I just don’t get him at all.