Everyone, thank you so much for your well wishes and for checking in on me. It means so much. You all know more than anyone what it’s like to go through this craziness, and it made me feel a little less alone. I finally have time for an update. Between already feeling overpowered by grief and annoyed with H, I was struggling with the cat news. After making no move to comfort me when I cried and told him the cat would need surgery, H showed some concern and seemed closer to himself about the cat leading up to surgery on Wednesday, which went well. He made me breakfast one day this week because he had “extra” ingredients, which was a kind gesture. We’ve had to separate our two cats because one is showing aggression toward the one who returned from the vet, which means one is with H (the most time he’s spent with it in 10 months!) and the recovering cat is with me. There’s one door that separates these two areas of our small house. And then last night I thought I noticed the cat’s stitches starting starting to come undone, so I asked H to come take a look. I needed help to stop the cat from bothering the area while I tried to get ahold of our vet after hours. H was suddenly very put out and blamed me for not getting a larger cone for the cat, even though I went with what the vet suggested. I was already super stressed and worried about the stitches but managed to not respond to him in anger. I always try to avoid asking him for anything because I know he’s not capable of showing me much empathy now, but I was still a bit mad at him anyway.
I got ahold of the vet and talked to her again today and everything is okay for now. The spot was cancerous but not the kind that spreads, and the vet thinks all was removed. I’m so thankful for that. The surgery was expensive but we were able to pay for it out of our joint account, and I am so thankful for that too. When I told him how much it would be, H said, “At least we don’t have a rent increase now!” True. Even if I don’t like the way he talked to the landlord. Maybe it is for the best.
The pattern seems to be he stays in his room most of the day on the weekends. One thing this lockdown has shown me is that he still has mood swings, still isn’t himself at all even if he appears that way to others or even to me at times. It’s still hard to witness. I’ve had a harder time holding onto any hope for the future lately, because he just seems so different than the man I knew, and he’s done such a thorough job of making us distant acquaintances. Our M and even our friendship as it was feels so far away. If I feel this way, I can see how it would seem almost nonexistent to him.
Originally Posted by wooba
If he cannot even be authentic to himself, how can you expect him to be authentic to you?
This hits the nail on the head, wooba! It would do me good to keep this in mind. He’s escaped from himself to a self that doesn’t care and just wants to have fun and freedom.
May, if you’re reading, I did attempt to start my own sourdough starter yesterday, so we’ll see how that goes! Wayfarer, thanks for your concern too.
Hugs, everyone. Thank you for keeping me afloat. I am thankful for all of you. I should have some time in the next few days to read up on your threads. Take care of yourselves!
