I spoke to the W today regarding the logistics of the workweek. Quickly, she brought up that she started going to IC again. She asked me why I haven't asked if she has been going. I told her that I don't have any questions for her. She didn't know how to respond. So she then brought up that she grabbed a few masks and gloves for me and my D. I simply said thank you (they may come in handy). Then she asked if I wanted a haircut. I told her not right now. She said, your hair is getting long and I am trying to help you. I asked her what she was doing...why do you think you need to help me? She said, you are my husband and I want to support you. She said that she still cares for me whether I believe her or not. To get off the subject, I told her I would let her know about the haircut (I know not the best response).
Towards the end of the call, she said how she said she knows I want an email from her (the one she was going to write 5 weeks...eye roll). I told her that I don't want anything from her. I told her she can do whatever she wants with her life and I am now focusing on me and being a better person for myself and my D. She said she has stuff that is written down and then she asked, why are we doing this dance? I said that I am not dancing...that marriage is between 2 people and not 3 so I am removing myself from the situation. She asked if we could be more honest with each other and not try to outmaneuver each other (I think she is referring to me go little contact, not answering unimportant texts, and certainly not chasing her anymore). I said I have been honest. That she should remember who wasn't honest and why we are where we are. She replied you don't think I know that? You don't think I know I f"d up? I let that be...
At the end of the call, she maneuvered back to the Coronavirus and how stressed she is at work from it. I validated and said I can imagine that it is very stressful. She explained her stress and said I understand you are under stress too. That she texts my mother every day asking about my grandmother. I said I appreciate that you care to check in to see how she is. She said that she goes to work, home and sometimes the store and sees no one else (I think she was throwing this in there to try to tell me she isn't seeing him). I do believe she isn't at this time due to the virus but she doesn't deny talking to him....still in the A. She then asked about the haircut again and I said I will let her know. That was pretty much it...
I know she is still a WW but I have seen her chasing me more. She seemed genuine on the phone saying she still cares for me...but I am trying not to believe her because I know words are words. But behaviorally, going to IC again is a solid step. Many steps for her to still make, but she did make a step.
I know it is meaningless so I went for a looooong walk with the dog and told myself, be present and don't think of the outcome/future as it is out of my control.
