Caught between a rock and a hard place

[DaB35]

Hi Youngson

I have read most of your thread - forgive me if I've missed anything as I may have skim read some posts.

Sorry to hear what you are going through; it sounds very tough. Regarding porn, this is what broke my marriage. I kept it from my XW for almost our entire relationship (8 years). Out of shame, I kept it secret, which drives you to continue the behaivour. It's a vicious circle. Since 2017 I would 'slip up' and she would discover things - an adult channel marker that was not flicked back to normal channel, pics on my phone. She asked "is there anything else"? I lied to her face and said no. Then in 2019 she discovered that I had subscribed to a (free) site, had an account, was uploading stuff, commenting on pics, adding friends etc. on a regular basis, sometimes when she was even in the house. This then led to me contacting 2 women (online only) - we'd swap pics etc. XW found out everything, all at once, in one morning.

Within 24hrs she decided on D - yes 24hrs. She then told her entire family and friends what I did over the next 14 days. She dismissed MC. IMO she desperately needed IC herself (she has her own issued with self confidence etc. but she just doesn't seek help). Her family exasperate her own problems, but they're the ones she always runs to. Now, this is not like your sitch at all, and forgive me for the long post, but I'm just providing a bit of context for my next few paragraphs.

I can understand how relapsing happens. You think you can simply "stop", but it is not that simple. It's like telling an drug addict to simply stop and not get any help to understand why they're doing what they're doing, and simply hope for the best. I tried to quit on my own and failed. My addiction stemmed from poor self image almost to the point of self hate (I'm rubbish, so therefore I should do a rubbish thing), jealously, feeling as though I'd underachieved compared to the other men in my XW's family etc. The embarrassment and shame of the addiction meant I couldn't reach out to others without my XW's knowledge. This may well explain your relapses. This is something I learned from home life. My parents do not voice their problems. They are 'moaners' and 'mutterers'. It was only when I got into IC that things clicked into place.

Do a lot of reading. Take time out. Breathe. Do a few of your normal routine bits and bobs a bit slower.
Definitely read up on the "Dance of pursuit and distance". I found it complex at first but repeated readings help.
I'd echo what others have already said in simpy improve yourself and just let that 'new' you act naturally. Don't demonstrate your new improved actions and ask for praise from your W. Just do it. She will notice if she cares about the R. You just have to sustain it.

For me, this whole thing was like a massive reset button had been pressed. I have turned myself round; I've beaten porn so you can too. It doesn't even enter my head now; my IC helped me build my confidence to the point where I've got a new hobby, I've returned to old ones and just improved my perception of myself. I haven't seen my XW since September 2019; D was final in February. I've changed. I put work in and now I don't consciously have to do the positive stuff, it just happens. This will happen to you too.

Most importantly, I now have self respect. When you get to the point of finding that, you're well on your way to DBing!