Thank you so much for your support! I have a hard time in the mornings. Especially when he can't sleep or wakes up early and I can sense him on his phone. Then I get tempted to look. I do sometimes glance, but never say anything or try to engage.
In the mornings is when my mind goes back to the why questions... why did he do this? Why didn't he value the relationship like I did? How could he not remember we promised to never do this to each other like his dad did to his mom? And it starts my heart racing, my skin crawling and I can feel myself wanting to engage (or rage).
Instead, I begin to pray for God to change me. To make me into who I need to be. The person who can weather any storm. The person who can stand in the midst of the worst of it and actually laugh. Nothing can bring me down. I have all the power of the universe inside me.
I have this bracelet which I wear and love... "Fate whispers to the warrior- You can't handle the storm. And the warrior whispers back- I am the storm."
I know that I am the warrior who is the storm. The one how is powerful and fierce and all things. It's not that I will bring death and destruction. No. It's that I am all the elements that live in the power of life. I can be the wind, the sea, the sky, the earth, the fire, the light... we are all of it. We can't be destroyed by what comes. We embody what comes and come through it.
We embrace our power and allow it to carry us through. So I leaned in to God and allowed myself to know, as my friend reminded me, I am God (or the way I like to put it--- I am ONE with God and God is everything). If I believe that, then I know that God is already working for me. God is already working for H. I must let go of any illusions that I have any control over him or his life.
I only have control over mine. I don't even have control over my kids' lives. I can influence, I can do my best to protect, but at the end of the day, they too will grow up and leave. In the meantime, I am doing everything I can to show them how to make it through a devastating time. How to look inward and be strong enough to evolve... strong enough to transform (Caterpillar to butterfly or coal to diamond).
Thank you for your wisdom, cheerleading and support, all! Have a great day!
W (me): 50 H: 46 M: 21 T: 25 S:17 D:15 BD 11/2019
Fate whispers to the warrior, "You can not withstand the storm" And the warrior whispers back, "I am the storm." ~Unknown
