My heart breaks for you, and I'm really sorry that you are going through this. You seem to have a great head on your shoulders, and I'm proud of you for putting in the work and doing much better than I did in my sitch.
I joined this site way too late and lost a short marriage. It was eye-opening to me, and allowed me to realize what I brought in due to the familiar patterns that I learned from my parents. The marriage could and should have been saved, but it's all about committment.
Just want to let you know that regardless of what happens, the changes you are making are for you. Do you want your wife and marriage to benefit from it as well? Of course!
I have a sister and BIL that are both Christian counselors. They pointed me to a book about attachment theories, and it's honestly been life changing. There are many different books about this, but the one I am reading comes from a non-spiritual perspective, focusing solely on psychology. It's called "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find-- and Keep-- Love" by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller.
Based on your responses mentioning you being the pursuer and your wife being the distancer, I would assume you have an anxious attachment and she has an avoidant attachement. I too am anxious. Part of my healing journey is working through my past with a counselor to address this, and to become more secure in life but also in romantic relationships.
I just started dating the first woman since my divorce back in December of 2018. She is an avoidant, so it makes things much more difficult, because with me being anxious, I long for emotional connection while that drives her away from me. My goal through therapy is to become more secure, to understand that she has a defense mechanism that has been programmed in her brain through a very abusive, needy and dramatic mother and it's not my fault.
Not sure if this violates the terms on this site (please remove if so), but I genuinely feel and care for you as I know this process is very difficult.
You are doing all the right things, and I commend you for that! Please take a look at this theory/book.
