Down time is the hardest. Especially with all of the shutdowns due to the virus. I have never been very good at working from home. I get distracted and just lose motivation.
It's during these times that I miss my wife the most. I would give anything to be waking up together on a slow day. I find myself wanting to reach out to her and tell her how much I love her. I go back over all of my mistakes and the missed chances for connection. I recall so many happy memories and moments, and I wish that beautiful girl was here with me right now.
This board has helped me be a better man and ease the tension between my W and I. When we are around each other now, things are much more pleasant. When she brings up logistical concerns about our continued separation and potential divorce, I feel the stab of pain, but I don't react. I focus on the task at hand and don't let her see that all of these little steps away from each other are killing me.
I think she is noticing some changes, but I'm trying really hard to stop trying to read her mind. It never worked well for our R, and it definitely won't work now. We have been caught in a pursuer-withdrawer dynamic for a long time, with me as the pursuer. Detaching has been terrifying and very difficult. All of the fears of abandonment remain present, and I just have to hope that stepping out of my side of the dynamic will give her the chance to step out of hers. As I have stopped initiating contact, stopped initiating physical touch, and stopped suggesting we do anything together, I have noticed that she initiates. She seems to find excuses to touch me and initiates hugs. She has started suggesting more family activities and even made vague suggestions about the two of us spending time together. I respond warmly to these actions and statements, but I don't feel desperate or needy anymore. I know that I have love and care to offer if it's desired, and I am starting to see how I so often pursued her to satisfy my own neediness. When we hug now, I feel like I am giving her a hug rather than receiving one from her. When she touches me, it feels like she gets the privilege of being close to me rather than me getting some need met. All in all, I am feeling more like the man I once was.
I have a friend who is a couples' counselor, and I recently interviewed her for an assignment. One of the things she talked about was partners who still feel love for their partner but don't feel like they can be vulnerable to the pain of the relationship anymore. I am not the only one who has contributed to the pain of my M, but I can begin to see my W's perspective a little better. She still says she loves me and adds "it's not as simple as not loving you." She has said this is very difficult for her, too, and not how she wanted our relationship to end. I have had such a difficult time understanding these words and argued with her about them in the past. Listening to understand and validating has helped me hear and see my W in ways I was missing. While I don't share her experience, I can start to wrap my head around how someone could feel the ways she expresses.
I will continue to make personal changes. Of course, I hope these changes accumulate and give my W hope for the marriage, but I know there is no timetable for this and no guarantee that it will ever happen. While I don't want to believe that our M will end in D, I know I don't want to go back to the person I was. I believe if I can make these changes while separated and dealing with a million other life stressors, they must be real. Although things seem clearer and I feel stronger, every day is a struggle. I cycle between hope and despair endlessly. The extremes have softened, and I've become more productive. Thanks to everyone who reads this. It is helpful and healing to share my experience with others who understand.
