I am currently torn about what I think about the potential for OM. I hold it as a real possibility, and I'm trying not to lie to myself. Still, the more I address my own insecurities and issues, I am finding that I look for evidence all the time and nothing ever changes my mind. As an example, I was able to access her gps location for a particular night. She went to a couple of bar/restaurants and came home before midnight. When I think of other details associated with the night, I can't help but think she went to someone's house and stayed until very late in the night before coming home. AND THAT'S WITH THE KNOWLEDGE SHE WAS ONLY AT RESTAURANTS AND CAME HOME BEFORE MIDNIGHT! I am becoming more and more aware that suspicion creates more suspicion and can't really be satisfied. I am keeping my mind, eyes, and ears open to the presence of an OM, but I am becoming increasingly aware of my suspicions and their potential damage to the relationship.
In other news, I am finally dealing with the pornography issue in a sustainable way. I hope this will benefit our marriage, but either way it will make me a better father.
When I said we were close I meant this: We made out a bit and had some sexual touching. After that, we just laid on the couch and watched the sunset and talked for about an hour. Like we used to. We were close and seemed to both be enjoying it, but no sex occurred. I have made it clear to her that I am open to sex, but I will not be initiating or asking for it. If we have sex, it will be because she is interested.
I am kicking porn out of my life and working on being less co-dependent. I feel bad for letting these things into my life and allowing them to effect our relationship. Still, all I can do is focus on today. Today I will not use porn and I will not act co-dependent. That is my daily mantra. Again, if you pray, please pray for healing and understanding for my wife and I. Thanks again.
